His wife looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."
She replied, “no, first a Gibson, then a Fender”.
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Idaho
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let him in.
It was only a little entanglement, knotting serious ! Tie swear !
The husband replies “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
It's his wife's porpoise, after all.
I was a hurdler in high school so I managed no problem
Woah! That's too much.
I just had sex on the beach with our baby sitter.
From another room the wife calls, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "MISSING YOU..."
He doesn't understand that there could be a salad dressing
The waitress said she was very sorry, but that wasn't possible
Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband.
"That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're selfish and an absolute pig."
"I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."
The cold shoulder.
The wife asked "Who, Ray?"
The husband said "No need to be so happy"
Friend: Do you mean Reese Witherspoon?
Me: No, with her knife!
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
He replied "Who won?"
After I rolled my eyes, he said "Do you know who was in the back?
Flo."
When he arrives she says “I’ve decided what I want for dinner.”
He took her for granite.
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Yeah, I tractor down.
Husband: I should read the book of Ruth again.
Me: The book of Ruth? Is that in the bible?
H: Yes.
M: Wait. There are women in the bible other than Mary's?? (Joking)
H: Yes, there are many other women-
M: Nope. Don't believe it. Mary's from top to bottom!
H: That's a very Ruth-less view of the bible.
He has a lot experience working remote
“Currently”
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
he can't have my nose, I need it!
Eureka!
Blue balls
Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.
Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",
" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
My dad: I tried to smoke a chicken once, but it wouldn't light.
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
“Sure,” she replies. “Plethora,” the guys says. The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
“No, first a Gibson, then a Fender”.
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
The waitress said she was very sorry, but that wasn't possible.
