Domestic Skills

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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domestic violins
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stephenazas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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We've got a domestic situation here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Two domestic abusers, very similar features...

A striking resemblance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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I get anxiety on long, domestic flights.

They're terra-flying!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Dont joke about domestic abuse.

It hits too close to home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moelawn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2015
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I almost Hit 2 Domestic Chickens Having Sex in the Middle of the Road Today...

It was fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DraiderGaming
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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3 domesticated Rams are in the kitchen, labelled A, B & C

If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens. If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.

But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.

I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Ever hear the one about the domestically abusive dwarf and his tall wife?

It's a knee slapper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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My friend boasted that he domesticates cats from Africa for a living. I stopped by his work, and he was working with house cats...

He's a lyin' tamer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Domesticated lizard
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabbingdisaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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What do you call a child conceived by incest?

A gross domestic product

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who killed his domesticated crows?

It really was a murder most fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leviathulu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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Wild rice is so good I’ve decided to domesticate it
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShantMin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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Dad was too cheap to buy weed killer, so he made us kids jump on weeds to control them. He always told me:

Only you can stamp out domestic violets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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Could I get arrested for having purple flowers in my home?

I know that cops take a dim view of domestic violets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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Pulled some culinary joke on my Girlfriend.

We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said

"That's better"

I look up and say

"No, that's batter"

She hit me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/War_Messiah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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My girlfriend was running her fingers through my chest hair and says...

"I love that you are hairy".

I said, "I'm Ken who the heck is Harry?"

She hit me, she actually hit me for that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReverendKen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2016
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My wife hit me...

Walking with my wife and 2 year old last night when my wife mentioned there was an open house a few blocks away. She asked if "you want to go and be snoopy." I responded "what do you want me to do, dance on a piano?" that's when she hit me.

update: 1583 upvotes? Holy crap... never thought my idiocy would pay off! (in fake points)

Update #2: Holy crap... thank you whoever got me the gold!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nanokazi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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You know what's wild?

Stray dogs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Living_Phantom
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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A dog can’t operate an MRI machine

But CAT Scan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barking_oinks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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My wife was mad I didn't wish her a "Happy International Women's Day"...

I said, "But you're a Domestic Woman!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stoneyzepplin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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What do you call a disgusting home-made Halloween costume?

Gross Domestic Product

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πŸ‘€︎ u/playdoubleplay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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Two livestock farmers were sat in the pub arguing over the government’s upcoming ban on exporting live animals...

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œThis time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says β€œdeal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

β€œActually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says β€œdeal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œWell, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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There's a bar called Church downtown Boston

Yesterday (Saturday) walking around the city

Me: Where do you wanna eat?

Her: We could go to Church

Me: Church is only open on Sundays

She hit me, that means it was a success right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglessoar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
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Two owls were sitting in opposite trees and hooting at each other while we were walking on a research trip. My professor earned dad joke gold.

I suggested the male owl was trying to mate with the female. My friend said no, they were probably married and it was a domestic dispute. Our professor said, "maybe someone forgot to pay their owlimony."

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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My Dad's "book titles"...

I have so, so many...

"The Road Is Shut" by Elaine Closed. "I'm Outta Gas" by Phil McCarup "How To Tie Shoelaces" by Ben Doon "A Cliff Edge" by Eileen Dover "A Book Of Churches" by Cath Headrall "I've Eaten Too Much!" by Buster Gutt "A Book On Soft Cheeses" by Phil Adelphia

And finally, "A Book On Domestic Pets" by Rabi Tuch... (...Rabituch...) (Rabbit hutch)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amysplat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
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Just got my grandfather

As he's telling my grandmother about done tests he'll have to have done on his knee he mentioned a PET scan. My grandmother asked what it was and I jumped in just in time to say,

"It's like a CAT scan, but more domesticated."

My grandfather was proud.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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I think we should stop saying "my dad hit me with this one"

I mean, domestic abuse is a real problem nowadays and don't need to blame innocent dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenAric
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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How do you call a baby born out of incest?

A domestic product

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CringyTemmie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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