Sweet Home Alabama
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnacksAttacked
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I came home from work and asked my dog if he was sweet like ice cream cause he's gettting scooped up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anonymousICT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Sweet old lady walks into Perkins with a home made sweater.

The sweater was made with alpaca wool and had a pattern with alpacas wrapping around her chest. It had a beautifully intricate diamond pattern of various colors and you could tell it was finely crafted.

Mom: wow, what a beautiful sweater is that made from alpaca wool?

Old lady: Yes, we have a small herd of them.

Dad: YOU HAVE A HERD OF SWEATERS?!

Old lady stares blankly into my fathers eyes not quite understanding as I’m dying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/servuslucis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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T&G- Home Sweet Home tutandgroan.com/home-swee…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2016
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When your crush walks in your class

But you're homeschooled

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joker6983
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.

I named it The Trail Mix.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbtehbuild
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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I went to the dentist yesterday...

I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said,

"Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities."

I scoffed and replied, "I'll be fine doc."

Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth,

"OW MOTHERFU--"

I went to the dentist again, running inside. He turned to me and smirked,

"The tooth hurts, doesn't it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatNamedCheete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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After work why does Barack wants to be referred to as Al?

Because sweet home Al Obama....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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A former president threw a southern rock party.

Everyone was like ”Sweet home, Obama”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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preparing myself to be a dad one day

my girlfriend is on vacation and told me she was going to bring me home something.

She just texted me "I got you some candy today"

I said "That's so sweet!"

she said "I could barf now."

I'm just glad she got the joke! I'm going to be a great father one day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PropofLOL
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My girlfriend is now my dad...

So we return home after food shopping. Sweet potatoes for sweet potato fries. Fuck yes. I was being pissy about how long we spent shopping and started helping with the cooking. I snapped saying we should have just cooked before going shopping. My girlfriend turned to me and said, "But we didn't have enough thyme on our hands"...

Edit: Grammar...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TerryW0gan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
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Dad thought he was pretty clever with this one...

I had been talking today about wanting to bake something sweet, but we didn't get back home until pretty late. I said aloud that I was awfully tired.

Sister: "I thought you were going to bake?"

Dad: "She can't bake. She's already fried."

Then he cackled for like 30 seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0vinq0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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