Do people who speak Spanish and German speaking Sperman?
When I think about it, I see why.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
I am pro-verb
The Anglo-Saxophone!
It was from ancient Greece
Itenticle.
They both have a great time.
Her name was Himcules
"Well prayed"
a punsexual
I was like, “No way!” And he was like, “Yahweh.”
I said “I reddit from somewhere”
Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.
If they had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.
If they float, they're boy ant.
Prevent irregular vowel movement.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.
"That's easy. These are khakis."
I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Eclipse it.
During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.
Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"
Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."
Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"
Daughter [5yo]: "What?"
Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."
[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]
Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."
[It clicks.]
Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."
Dad: W
One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.
"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."
"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"
At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.
When its turning into a driveway.
She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
Because they were looking for pi.
Ok I know this is bad but shut up
When the punchline becomes apparent
[Scene: my wife is changing our 9-month-old daughter's diaper.]
Wife: "Ever since she started eating solid foods, her diapers have gotten awful."
Me: "Yeah. Shit just got real."
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.
They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.
Dad: How do you pronounce that one?
Me: Falafel?
Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..
Daughter: (Face palm)
.
EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.
.
and again..
.
Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.
Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.
Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)
Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)
GF: I like your forearms.
Me: I only have two.
I had to explain it, but then she slapped her forehead. I know, she only has one.
If he cries it's a boy. ...if she cries, it's a girl.
"Your S.O. is also your friend... nakama."
and says "-could I get a gin and........... tonic?".
Bartender says: "sure, but what's with the pause?".
Bear says: "I was born with them".
