Some people say that "icy" is the easiest word in the English language to spell.

When I think about it, I see why.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Some people are pro-life, others are pro-choice. As an English teacher however....

I am pro-verb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thatonekid80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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According to a survey, 80% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English.

That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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Idea for a TV show: a show about a bunch of lower class South East English people trying to do the right thing

I call it The Only Way is Ethics

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamverymature69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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What instrument do English people play?

The Anglo-Saxophone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Puggy31
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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Damn!
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.

Her name was Himcules

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Hope a large fraction of y'all have a sense of humour
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simwalkedaway
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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An in eresting title
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techno_chef
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says

"Well prayed"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mefingers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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How do you call someone who is sexuality attached to everyone as long as they have a sense of humour

a punsexual

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aggeliki04
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Where is it!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Let it Gogh
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awells1012
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
πŸ‘︎ 30k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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My friend told me he was Jewish.

I was like, β€œNo way!” And he was like, β€œYahweh.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zephyrcoco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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People ask me,”where do you get your jokes from?”

I said β€œI reddit from somewhere”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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My English book has puns. Wow.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ogranesson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeetusAFeetus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HouseCatt95
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water.

If they float, they're boy ant.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kristhebrown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.

A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.

"That's easy. These are khakis."

πŸ‘︎ 650
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electricalalarm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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I want to help people spell diarrhea correctly.

Prevent irregular vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidDene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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One of my boy scouts asked me, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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AdiΓ³s
πŸ‘︎ 885
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaspoussin
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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To the guy that invented zero:

Thanks for nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilsnop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Son: Dad, if u had double the money, double the time and double the energy, then what would u be?

Dad: W

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Jokster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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That's a shitty pun ;-;
πŸ‘︎ 616
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
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A dog can't read an MRI.

But catscan.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriskySour
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
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When is a car not a car?

When its turning into a driveway.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IWant2BeThatGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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Whipped this one out at work

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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Why did the math teacher search the fridge?

Because they were looking for pi.

Ok I know this is bad but shut up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackoquack02
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ray_ban_vision_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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I dadjoked my wife

[Scene: my wife is changing our 9-month-old daughter's diaper.]

Wife: "Ever since she started eating solid foods, her diapers have gotten awful."

Me: "Yeah. Shit just got real."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RadicalBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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I went to the doctor yesterday. He said I have onomatopoeia. I asked him if it was bad.....

Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluebugs23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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Dad and daughter come into the restaurant I work at. He was crackin me up the whole time.

They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.

Dad: How do you pronounce that one?

Me: Falafel?

Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..

Daughter: (Face palm)

.

EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.

.

and again..

.

Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.

Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.

Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)

Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riggy60
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Girlfriend paid me a compliment.

GF: I like your forearms.

Me: I only have two.

I had to explain it, but then she slapped her forehead. I know, she only has one.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shakynerves
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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I opened a fortune cookie, it said

"Your S.O. is also your friend... nakama."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odraencoded
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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How can you tell the gender of a baby?

If he cries it's a boy. ...if she cries, it's a girl.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PixelPurple
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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Need help with a pun

Hello people of reddit i need a huge favor my friend's birthday is coming soon and i need to tell her happy birthday include a pun with her name. So if any of you got a pun it will be awesome.

Her name is Valerie

Sorry for the bad english not my first language

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πŸ‘€︎ u/armikai
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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A bear goes into a bar...

and says "-could I get a gin and........... tonic?".

Bartender says: "sure, but what's with the pause?".

Bear says: "I was born with them".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
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Need your help naming my cat!

Hi pun-masters!

I will share my life with a cat, starting Saturday! It’s a grey\white Maine coon male.

The thing is that I love puns, and when I saw the cat called « Sean Coonery », I thought it was adorable!

I’m not that good in finding right puns, and I was wondering if people wouldn’t mind helping me a little!

I live in Montreal, so it can be either English or French!

Thanks in advance!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djieff0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lee_Hey_pat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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