I wore a blindfold.
...she said "you love those dogs more than me".
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
She thought that might knock some scents into him.
A pigeon just flew right into it.
....so I can see my wife having a headache.
It was a booby trap.
To make it more classy.
That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.
DON'T BE JELLY!
Sea-alis.
Have a great day at work hunny.
I told her it was to help me get up in the morning.
I have no idea where it's going.
Babe & I tried to spice things up so as to improve our sex duration
But as a 2 mins guy I came on thyme, as usual
That is a big red flag.
and then it dawned on me
Mattress-side.
He was a clip toe maniac
rough sex also becomes a rave...
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
I read her r/dadjokes
He was independant.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
โYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!โ
... said to her with a very sad look on my face "I'm going to have to put the dog down". She looked horrified and almost in tears and asked "why?"... "Because she's getting heavy" I said as I put the dog on the floor and walked away.
but that's another story
They're both Messi.
We've updated our privacy policy.
It was a real pane
I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.
Damn boobie traps
The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs.
The corners for example are always 90 degrees
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
It's a big red flag
When he saw the pillows he took the case!
It was a boobie trap
