My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed ?
Because, it would blow his cover.
Friend: “You told me you were interesting, but you’re literally always in bed”
Me: “I said I was INTO RESTING!”
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Seven dwarves were all in bed, feeling Happy.
When Happy got out, they all felt Grumpy !!
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
What was Pinocchio doing in bed?
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
James Bond farted in bed
he said "I guess I blew my cover" as he chuckled to himself and then May Day beat him to death because it smelled bad
If your in the bottom bunk of a bunk bed and someone's asleep in the top bunk,
Does that mean you're under a rest?
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
I read that Shakira struggles to sleep and get comfortable in bed.
Apparently its because her hips don’t lie
I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.
What do classical musicians like to read in bed?
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
They call me "The Pharoh" in bed...
...Because I turned my lady into a mummy!
Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
I keep reciting all of Lord of The Rings in bed
My wife says I need to do something about Tolkien in my sleep.
As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
I don't mind breakfast in bed
...but I prefer it in a bowl.
I fell asleep with my pet bunny in my bed last night.
I woke up with the hare standing on the back of my neck.
My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..
Look at me now, saving lives!
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
What size of bed did Freddie Mercury sleep in?
I can never tell the truth when I'm in bed...
Because once I've made the bed, I have to lie on it.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?
My wife was feeling frisky in bed and asked if she could defile me
To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What do pirates say in bed?
What do you call an insect who’s good in bed?
I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.
A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....
She drinks it and goes: “Ugh, this tastes like dirt.”
He responds: “Well, honey, it was just ground.”
My wife and I love getting intimate in the bed when we wake up..
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.
I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Because it would blow his cover
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
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