What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on your front porch?

Matt.

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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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How do you get an art history major off your front porch ?

Pay for the pizza πŸ•.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.

He just has a chip on his shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Porch-ini mushroom.
πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itheminotaur
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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The officers of my company all met on the open, unroofed porch extending from our building...

It was a deck quorum.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’m fallen on some hard Times.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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What do you call an Irishman on the porch?

Patty O'Furniture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VapidPastiche
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!

Who would stoop so low?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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I built a screen porch and it was much easier since I didn’t install windows.

It was paneless.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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What's Irish and sits on the porch all day?

Patty O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayItToMeSANTOS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.

There was a spring in his step.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Why did Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet you with a handshake.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryptozoophagist
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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What’s Irish and sits on your porch?

Patio Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kekesupreme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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How do you steal a porch?

You take it step by step.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taldius175
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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My package was just stolen off of my front porch...

It was an Amazon Crime

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrashyBoi_UwU
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A flock of geese flew on to my back porch yesterday

I guess you could say they were Portuguese

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingkian77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on my front porch?

Mat!

my father loves these jokes back in the day. whos familiar with them all?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angrydispatcher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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My sister is afraid of ants so when she screamed "Ants!" while she was on our porch.

My dad asked, "Where are the uncles?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanatical_Shows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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What do you call a guy who lays around on the porch all day?

Matt...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amd20555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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There's a wash basin with a faucet on your front porch ringing the bell...

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/intricate3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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Wife and I sitting on the porch talking about how we used to get to school.

She said she had car pooled most if her school days. I asked what route they took, and she mentioned a road that had a tunnel. I asked if it made her wrist hurt. She said 'No, why would it?' my response: 'Havent you ever heard if Car Pool-Tunnel Syndrome?"

I have to eat dinner with the dogs tonight now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiAcademy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
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Sitting on the front porch and my fiancΓ©e's uncle got me good

We're talking about actors and he goes "hear about that poor actress who was recently stabbed in NY?....Reese....Reese...." Stupidly I reply "Witherspoon!?"

He happily proclaims: "No! With a Knife!"

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dc8291
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KiwiAssMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your front porch?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurt1717
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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How do you get a stoner off of your porch?

You pay him for the pizza.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyTestarosa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
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There's two old men and a dog sitting on a porch.......

The dog starts licking his nuts. One man says, "I sure wish I could do that". The other man replies, "That dog will bite you".

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinyCot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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