They have no hands to knock on the door.
This past weekend my brother, parents and myself were at a large multi-neighborhood yard sale.
We walked past a sign that read "Porch sale. Come on up"
After reading this my dad said...
"Porch sale? No thanks we already got one!"
Top Detectives have been assigned to the stair case.
Let that sink in.
I don’t know what to make of it.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
I think I’m being stalked.
It was a deck quorum.
I’m fallen on some hard Times.
Matt
It was paneless.
Patty O'Furniture
Who would stoop so low?
There was a spring in his step.
Patty O'Furniture
So he could greet you with a handshake.
...hangs on a wall?
Art
...goes for a swim?
Bob
...sits on a porch?
Matt
...lies in a ditch?
Phil
Patio Furniture
It was an Amazon Crime
You take it step by step.
I guess you could say they were Portuguese
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡My dad asked, "Where are the uncles?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Mat!
my father loves these jokes back in the day. whos familiar with them all?
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”
Let that sink in.
Matt...
You pay him for the pizza.
She said she had car pooled most if her school days. I asked what route they took, and she mentioned a road that had a tunnel. I asked if it made her wrist hurt. She said 'No, why would it?' my response: 'Havent you ever heard if Car Pool-Tunnel Syndrome?"
I have to eat dinner with the dogs tonight now.
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
We're talking about actors and he goes "hear about that poor actress who was recently stabbed in NY?....Reese....Reese...." Stupidly I reply "Witherspoon!?"
He happily proclaims: "No! With a Knife!"
The dog starts licking his nuts. One man says, "I sure wish I could do that". The other man replies, "That dog will bite you".
When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.
“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!
Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?
“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."
The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.
A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."
Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."
A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"
Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"
The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"
~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
He was pissing off the front porch
The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.
The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"
The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"
The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!
They have no hands to knock on the door.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Matt
