Why do pumpkins sit on peopleโ€™s porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Porches aren't cheap

This past weekend my brother, parents and myself were at a large multi-neighborhood yard sale.

We walked past a sign that read "Porch sale. Come on up"

After reading this my dad said...

"Porch sale? No thanks we already got one!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Millisam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 48
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RobotPreacher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I donโ€™t know what to make of it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.

He just has a chip on his shoulder.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 100
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_Compooper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.

I think Iโ€™m being stalked.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 105
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Porch-ini mushroom.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 422
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itheminotaur
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The officers of my company all met on the open, unroofed porch extending from our building...

It was a deck quorum.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

Iโ€™m fallen on some hard Times.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?

Matt

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KiwiAssMonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I built a screen porch and it was much easier since I didnโ€™t install windows.

It was paneless.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boogerknows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!

Who would stoop so low?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call an Irishman on the porch?

Patty O'Furniture

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VapidPastiche
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a dude with no arms and no legs who...

...hangs on a wall?

Art

...goes for a swim?

Bob

...sits on a porch?

Matt

...lies in a ditch?

Phil

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AJknox09
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.

There was a spring in his step.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What's Irish and sits on the porch all day?

Patty O'Furniture

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SayItToMeSANTOS
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet you with a handshake.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cryptozoophagist
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whatโ€™s Irish and sits on your porch?

Patio Furniture

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kekesupreme
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My package was just stolen off of my front porch...

It was an Amazon Crime

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TrashyBoi_UwU
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โ€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ€ The father says, โ€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ€ The daughter says, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโ€™t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโ€™s prayers again. She says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ€ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโ€™t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ€ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโ€™t go home and stays there until midnight. Heโ€™s very surprised. โ€˜Iโ€™ve cheated death!โ€™ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โ€œWhere have you been?!โ€ and the husband says, โ€œOh donโ€™t ask me any questions, todayโ€™s been miserable.โ€ The wife replies, โ€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A flock of geese flew on to my back porch yesterday

I guess you could say they were Portuguese

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kingkian77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you steal a porch?

You take it step by step.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Taldius175
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My sister is afraid of ants so when she screamed "Ants!" while she was on our porch.

My dad asked, "Where are the uncles?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fanatical_Shows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on my front porch?

Mat!

my father loves these jokes back in the day. whos familiar with them all?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/angrydispatcher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's a wash basin with a faucet on your front porch ringing the bell...

Let that sink in.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/intricate3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a guy who lays around on the porch all day?

Matt...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Amd20555
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mickerallen100
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What kind of geese canโ€™t fly?

Portuguese!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nick5195
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you get a stoner off of your porch?

You pay him for the pizza.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FoxyTestarosa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wife and I sitting on the porch talking about how we used to get to school.

She said she had car pooled most if her school days. I asked what route they took, and she mentioned a road that had a tunnel. I asked if it made her wrist hurt. She said 'No, why would it?' my response: 'Havent you ever heard if Car Pool-Tunnel Syndrome?"

I have to eat dinner with the dogs tonight now.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ZombiAcademy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnsonโ€™s house the old man said โ€œMy yard doesnโ€™t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. Iโ€™ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown Iโ€™ll throw in a 50 dollar bonusโ€.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnsonโ€™s door to collect his hundred dollars.

โ€œAll finished, thatโ€™ll be one hundred dollarsโ€!

Noticing there wasnโ€™t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

โ€œNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porchโ€?

โ€œI sure am! Oh and by the way thatโ€™s not a porch, itโ€™s a Ferrariโ€!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/plmcalli
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Sitting on the front porch and my fiancรฉe's uncle got me good

We're talking about actors and he goes "hear about that poor actress who was recently stabbed in NY?....Reese....Reese...." Stupidly I reply "Witherspoon!?"

He happily proclaims: "No! With a Knife!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dc8291
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's two old men and a dog sitting on a porch.......

The dog starts licking his nuts. One man says, "I sure wish I could do that". The other man replies, "That dog will bite you".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TinyCot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

๐Ÿ‘︎ 82
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I had to kick a friend out of my house party.

He was pissing off the front porch

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/isofakingwetoddid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Farmer has three daughters and each has a date on the same night.

The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.

The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"

The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"

The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iamkeerock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do pumpkins sit on peopleโ€™s porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch.

I donโ€™t know what to make of it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 58
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your front porch?

Matt

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kurt1717
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.