Sitting Puns

I told: mom that why I am using a chair.

It was the Green Arrow.

They were Basking Robins.

The first monkey said "Ooh ahh ooh ooh ahh ooh!"

The second monkey replied "Well, add more cold water."

"Do you smell fish?"

Either oar.

It’s really hard to differentiate between them.

"This is forbiden!"

One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.

The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.

As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"

So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"

It was a millennial falcon.

I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.

The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)

I asked him:

If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?

If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?

If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?

If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?

If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?

If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?

If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?

If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?

If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?

A monkey was sitting on the train tracks waiting for a train. When a train ran over its tail the monkey said, "It won't be long now!"

The Sun.

The other yells, "Oh my god! It's a talking muffin!"

So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

I learned next to nothing.

A Sore arse-saurus

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

One says to the other: 'oooooo eeeeee oooooo aaaaa'

The other says: 'put the cold tap on then!'

But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.

Let that sink in.

He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"

"They're draft horses"

My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review." I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."

..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.

Same shit, different day.

How dairy

A group of college kids were having the time of their lives, a few feet away.

They noticed Liam, and how lonely he was.

They start making fun of Liam, about how sad and depressed he looked.

He,liam was too noble for anger, and didn't react.

He just said

All my friends Argon.

He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

One says to the other "Your round"

Bob

Quite deceitful.

Depends

Finally got some gas money.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

I really need to clean some mugs

One turns to the other and says "Do you smell fish?"