My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy

I told: mom that why I am using a chair.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spydercop69
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Today’s meeting topic is(drumroll please) why are we sitting on blocks of meet
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idk2214
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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I was sitting at a red light with my family, when all of a sudden I said "Look, son! A super hero!"

It was the Green Arrow.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Two monkeys were sitting in a bath.

The first monkey said "Ooh ahh ooh ooh ahh ooh!"

The second monkey replied "Well, add more cold water."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says .....

"Do you smell fish?"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog was sitting on top of some sound equipment

It was a subwoofer.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tee142002
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t really mind sitting on the left or right of a rowing boat.

Either oar.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenisMcK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Never take a calculus exam when you are sitting next to two identical twins.

It’s really hard to differentiate between them.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the security officer at White House said to the tourist sitting on the president's chair?

"This is forbiden!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/azn_fraz_268
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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A family is sitting at the dining room table having a nice family dinner, when suddenly...

One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.

The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.

As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"

So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmocide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?

I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Two muffins ... sitting in the oven...

The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MammaHenn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.

I asked him:

If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?

If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?

If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?

If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?

If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?

If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?

If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?

If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?

If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A monkey was sitting on the train tracks waiting for a train.

A monkey was sitting on the train tracks waiting for a train. When a train ran over its tail the monkey said, "It won't be long now!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the balcony, thinking, and it dawned on me. - What?

The Sun.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDreadist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.

So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First one says "boy it sure is hot in here."

The other yells, "Oh my god! It's a talking muffin!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPackinwud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A father and son were sitting in the woods.

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beek77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 976
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur that’s in pain after sitting down for too long?

A Sore arse-saurus

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Music_Phasic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
There were 2 monkeys sitting in the bath...

One says to the other: 'oooooo eeeeee oooooo aaaaa'

The other says: 'put the cold tap on then!'

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
2 midgets are sitting around bored.

One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Two bananas are sitting at a drag strip

When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorMinceMeat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy is sitting on his couch bored.

He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,

"They're draft horses"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,

My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review." I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..

..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What Happens If You Are Sitting on the Toilet at 11:59 and the Clock Strikes Midnight?

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting in a bar when a man walked in and proceeded to throw some milk, yoghurt and cheese at me

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo-24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.

He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two oranges were sitting at a bar

One says to the other "Your round"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pool?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuttsMcGee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat liar sitting down?

Quite deceitful.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtrendence
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Just farted while sitting on my wallet

Finally got some gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJack303
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch

One parrot says to the other one, "Can you smell fish?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob9109
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking coffee in my slippers, I thought to myself...

I really need to clean some mugs

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_fish12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch

One turns to the other and says "Do you smell fish?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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