What do you call a fat liar sitting down?
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︎ Sep 08 2020
As part of my rehab my therapist has me not sitting down at all during the day and itβs both tiring and not fun
To be honest, I can barely stand it
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︎ May 27 2020
Two flies are sitting down enjoying a lovely meal.
One says to the other:
"Man, this is some really good shit!"
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︎ Sep 08 2019
My dog was sitting down looking at me, with very sad looking eyes. I asked my dad βwhatβs wrong with our dogβ .......
He replied βheβs having a ruff dayβ
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︎ Nov 01 2018
My dad called and asked if I was sitting down
I said
Yes
He said
Good itβs more comfortable
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︎ Jul 16 2018
So this happened as we were sitting down to a Key lime pie dessert tonight.
We were having Key lime pie and my mom was cutting it, but since it was from Costco, it had already been cut into equal size pieces.
My dad looks over to me and says, "I guess it's a Preline-Pie"
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︎ Aug 27 2017
Sitting down for dinner when my dad asks "Should we say grace now or later?"
Mom: "Now, before we eat."
Dad: "Okay. 'Grace.'"
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︎ Mar 02 2017
I was told this joke yesterday sitting down for dinner with all my family.
Β€ Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
...Because the 'p' is silent!
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︎ May 09 2014
We were walking down town South Beach, when we spotted a homeless man sitting in a garbage can. My dad looked at him and said,
Damn, that guy looks trashed.
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︎ Jan 23 2014
Sitting down to eat dinner
My dad usually has a glass of lemonade mixed with some liquor after working all day. So as we sit down to eat dinner, I ask him what hes got in his lemonade. He says Ice...
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︎ Jun 01 2014
Sitting down to dinner...
Mom: We have a regular two-dish meal
Dad: Funny, doesn't look tudish to me!
^sorry^I'm^new^here
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︎ Mar 04 2014
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I canβt sit down and I have to listen to everyoneβs wise cracks..
All in all itβs been a real pain in the ass!
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Letβs sit down and....
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︎ Mar 08 2021
A politician walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter walks over and asks for the order.
The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."
"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."
"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
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︎ Oct 23 2020
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:
"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.
"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:
"Put the horses in the back."
I hate the song but it made me laugh
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Sit down if you're tired
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︎ Jul 28 2020
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︎ Oct 30 2020
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly
Because communication is key
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︎ Aug 10 2020
Better sit down for this one
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︎ Jun 26 2019
Why couldn't the meteor sit down comfortably?
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?
Because they know that you won't stand for it.
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︎ Aug 24 2020
What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down?
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︎ Jul 24 2020
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.
In other words, bran flakes.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DONβT EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded βyouβll get salmon-Ella!β
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︎ May 28 2020
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower
And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine
I can't remember which comedian this was
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︎ Aug 11 2020
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
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︎ May 19 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
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︎ May 16 2020
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?
massachusetts.
It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?
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︎ Dec 20 2019
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkinsβ¦
It was very civil engineeringβ¦
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︎ Mar 28 2020
Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?
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︎ Mar 04 2020
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
βI guess itβs probably the wrong time.β
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︎ Feb 03 2020
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.
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︎ May 14 2019
A termite walks into a bar. He sits down and asks...
"Is the bar tender here?"
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︎ May 21 2019
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, βwhat do you think this is, a granola bar? β.
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︎ Feb 05 2019
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman whoβs husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, βdo u mind if I say a word?β she responds, βNot at all, please do.β the man stands up and says βplethoraβ and sits back down.
βThanks,β said the woman, βthat means a lot.β
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︎ Feb 24 2019
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
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︎ Oct 07 2019
If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her
"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.
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︎ Oct 07 2015
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.
So that both of us are in A la mode.
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︎ Apr 21 2019
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, "Newton, I've found you!"
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
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︎ Oct 17 2018
A couple sits down at a restaurant and the waiter brings them a basket of bread
The guy asks the waiter "Excuse me, is this gluten free?"
The waiter responds "Well it's complimentary as long as you order an entree"
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︎ Oct 05 2018
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.
He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.
After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.
A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.
After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"
The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...
They're complimentary."
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︎ Feb 27 2021
Why did the hikers sit down in the woods after a long day?
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︎ Mar 24 2018
Sit down, my ass!
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︎ Nov 18 2017
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyβre standing too.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Sep 05 2019
What kind of dinosaur couldn't sit down?
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︎ Apr 21 2020
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?
massachusetts.
It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?
π︎ 3k
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︎ Sep 20 2016
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