What do you call a fat liar sitting down?

Quite deceitful.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtrendence
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
As part of my rehab my therapist has me not sitting down at all during the day and it’s both tiring and not fun

To be honest, I can barely stand it

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Two flies are sitting down enjoying a lovely meal.

One says to the other:

"Man, this is some really good shit!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My dog was sitting down looking at me, with very sad looking eyes. I asked my dad β€œwhat’s wrong with our dog” .......

He replied β€œhe’s having a ruff day”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twitch-sweat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad called and asked if I was sitting down

I said Yes He said Good it’s more comfortable

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/niggety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
🚨︎ report
So this happened as we were sitting down to a Key lime pie dessert tonight.

We were having Key lime pie and my mom was cutting it, but since it was from Costco, it had already been cut into equal size pieces.

My dad looks over to me and says, "I guess it's a Preline-Pie"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Echeb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Sitting down for dinner when my dad asks "Should we say grace now or later?"

Mom: "Now, before we eat."

Dad: "Okay. 'Grace.'"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tomomom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I was told this joke yesterday sitting down for dinner with all my family.

Β€ Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

...Because the 'p' is silent!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reverse_Skydiver
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
🚨︎ report
We were walking down town South Beach, when we spotted a homeless man sitting in a garbage can. My dad looked at him and said,

Damn, that guy looks trashed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamerkid001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Sitting down to eat dinner

My dad usually has a glass of lemonade mixed with some liquor after working all day. So as we sit down to eat dinner, I ask him what hes got in his lemonade. He says Ice...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Sitting down to dinner...

Mom: We have a regular two-dish meal

Dad: Funny, doesn't look tudish to me!

^sorry^I'm^new^here

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mellzbellzxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
🚨︎ report
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..

All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasMirth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Let’s sit down and....
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A politician walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter walks over and asks for the order.

The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."

"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."

"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner

Bride: How come you never help with the dinner

Frankenstein: I did

Bride: How?

Frankenstein: I did the mash...

Bride: Don't you dare

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moodsta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:

"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shromboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Sit down if you're tired
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tvolaf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? /r/Jokes/comments/jl5zxl/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timberdoodledan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Better sit down for this one
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Razabeth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the meteor sit down comfortably?

Huge asteroids.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?

Because they know that you won't stand for it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RippiHunti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down?

The Stegosoreass

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawk_Mage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.

In other words, bran flakes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmbahcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower

And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine

I can't remember which comedian this was

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elawn
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blurose262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…

It was very civil engineering…

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?

A low point.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hmanrulz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.

"Notable" I said.

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/no_aglets
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A termite walks into a bar. He sits down and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.

The bartender says, β€œwhat do you think this is, a granola bar? β€œ.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, β€œdo u mind if I say a word?” she responds, β€œNot at all, please do.” the man stands up and says β€œplethora” and sits back down.

β€œThanks,” said the woman, β€œthat means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turboboob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.

His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."

And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".

The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thepattato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her

"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASpellingAirror
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, "Newton, I've found you!"

Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeifEriccson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
A couple sits down at a restaurant and the waiter brings them a basket of bread

The guy asks the waiter "Excuse me, is this gluten free?"

The waiter responds "Well it's complimentary as long as you order an entree"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/irlingStarcher
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the hikers sit down in the woods after a long day?

Forrest.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Sit down, my ass!
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/literallyliquid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they’re standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of dinosaur couldn't sit down?

A mega-sore-ass

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.