I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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My son sat his apiary exams yesterday.

He got a B.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
So they're getting rid of the essay portion of the SAT

Just calling it the T exam now.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seancockery
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.

It’ll now just be called the T.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tietjen1209
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened to the woman who sat on the meat slicer?

Disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HerrDictator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sat on a campfire the other day

It was the most ember assing thing that has ever happened to me

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustyironbuckets
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ranjanatharva
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.

I thanked him for being so transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 829
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rv0827
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun- its Greg Tues, Thurs, Sat- its Ian

It's the GregorIan Calendar.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".

She said "I don't understand.....".

I said " UN-PAUSE".

I had to explain it to her...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJJoyce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Two birds sat on a perch...

The first bird said to the second bird "Do you smell fish?"

Edit: oh wow, platinum! TYVM!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiranamisu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
As I sat on the toilet late for work I thought..

I dont think have time for this shit

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aillemac433
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job! I hate it!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.

I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.

"No you're not."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwawaymaybeso
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who sat on the ice toilet?

That was some cool shit!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vuti13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I once sat next to a baby on a 10 hour flight. I had no idea that it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Two monkeys are sat in the bath. One says "oooh oooh aah aah"

The other says "well put some more cold in then"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bollock2681
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife stood up and said, β€œIt’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits of a movie.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend sat on a battery the other day.

I asked if they were shocked?

I know, I know, it’s a revolting joke.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat next to a guy that looked identical to me.

I was beside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHarrison007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...

"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!

I only have my shelf to blame!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the nun say as she sat down at the sewing machine?

This could be habit forming.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...

That was a royal pane in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:

Speak now or forever hold your pee

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did I ever tell you about the time an elephant sat on me?

I was impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myusernameisfish
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"

Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"

(Note: This actually happened today.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Umikaloo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat on my Indian takeaway...

...now, I have a bum tikka.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
One day I sat down and ate a clock

It was very time consuming

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0U7L4W_C4R73L
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

It let out a little wine

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bramalsharifi
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I said "No, that's the last thing I want"

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eastawat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I once accidentally sat on a baguette

It was a pain in the arse

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeCurious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Pete and Repete sat in a boat. Pete fell out. Who's left?

Repeat

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thadtheking
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down to dinner and asked my son, β€œYou got any dias?”

Confused, he replied β€œDias? No...”. I said, β€œwell I got a whole case-a-dia.” Actually got my wife to laugh a little.

Also, we weren’t having quesadillas.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...

never get old."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said β€œwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”

I respond, β€œit’s my high knee.”

Dad says, β€œit’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehocksbig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.

I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/izzy10200
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a restaurant and when I sat down the waiter asked "comfortable"?

I said "no, comeforfood"

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat on a window.

It was a pane in the glass.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheChronologer1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just said, β€œIt’s over”, and started walking out on me β€”-I just sat there.

I really enjoy watching the end credits.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Right after we sat down for dinner, the waiter said, β€œWould you like to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please, thanks.”

The waiter responded: Today is special.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œIts over”, and started walking out. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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