I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
My son sat his apiary exams yesterday.
So they're getting rid of the essay portion of the SAT
Just calling it the T exam now.
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.
It’ll now just be called the T.
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
What happened to the woman who sat on the meat slicer?
I accidentally sat on a campfire the other day
It was the most ember assing thing that has ever happened to me
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.
I thanked him for being so transparent.
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun- its Greg Tues, Thurs, Sat- its Ian
It's the GregorIan Calendar.
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
Two birds sat on a perch...
The first bird said to the second bird "Do you smell fish?"
Edit: oh wow, platinum! TYVM!
As I sat on the toilet late for work I thought..
I dont think have time for this shit
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job! I hate it!"
Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.
Same shit, different day.
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
Did you hear about the guy who sat on the ice toilet?
I once sat next to a baby on a 10 hour flight. I had no idea that it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed.
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...
Two monkeys are sat in the bath. One says "oooh oooh aah aah"
The other says "well put some more cold in then"
My wife stood up and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
My friend sat on a battery the other day.
I asked if they were shocked?
I know, I know, it’s a revolting joke.
I sat next to a guy that looked identical to me.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
What did the nun say as she sat down at the sewing machine?
This could be habit forming.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
Did I ever tell you about the time an elephant sat on me?
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
I sat on my Indian takeaway...
...now, I have a bum tikka.
One day I sat down and ate a clock
It was very time consuming
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
I once accidentally sat on a baguette
It was a pain in the arse
Pete and Repete sat in a boat. Pete fell out. Who's left?
I sat down to dinner and asked my son, “You got any dias?”
Confused, he replied “Dias? No...”. I said, “well I got a whole case-a-dia.” Actually got my wife to laugh a little.
Also, we weren’t having quesadillas.
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.
I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
I went to a restaurant and when I sat down the waiter asked "comfortable"?
I sat on a window.
It was a pane in the glass.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
Right after we sat down for dinner, the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please, thanks.”
The waiter responded: Today is special.
My wife told me, “Its over”, and started walking out. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits.
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