I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, βDo you want to hear todayβs special?β
I said, βYes please.β
Waiter: βNo problem sir. Today is special.β
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
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︎ Sep 13 2020
So they're getting rid of the essay portion of the SAT
Just calling it the T exam now.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.
Itβll now just be called the T.
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︎ Jan 20 2021
What happened to the woman who sat on the meat slicer?
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I accidentally sat on a campfire the other day
It was the most ember assing thing that has ever happened to me
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︎ Dec 07 2020
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
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︎ Jul 22 2020
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
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︎ Oct 17 2020
My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.
I thanked him for being so transparent.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun- its Greg Tues, Thurs, Sat- its Ian
It's the GregorIan Calendar.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
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︎ Jul 02 2020
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Two birds sat on a perch...
The first bird said to the second bird "Do you smell fish?"
Edit: oh wow, platinum! TYVM!
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︎ Nov 13 2020
As I sat on the toilet late for work I thought..
I dont think have time for this shit
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︎ Oct 18 2020
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job! I hate it!"
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. Itβs currently 12:01AM.
Same shit, different day.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Did you hear about the guy who sat on the ice toilet?
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I once sat next to a baby on a 10 hour flight. I had no idea that it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed.
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︎ Oct 06 2020
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Two monkeys are sat in the bath. One says "oooh oooh aah aah"
The other says "well put some more cold in then"
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︎ Sep 23 2020
My wife stood up and said, βItβs overβ, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
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︎ Jul 15 2020
I sat next to a guy that looked identical to me.
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︎ Aug 24 2020
My friend sat on a battery the other day.
I asked if they were shocked?
I know, I know, itβs a revolting joke.
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︎ Jul 24 2020
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenβt actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
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︎ Aug 20 2020
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
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︎ Jul 17 2020
What did the nun say as she sat down at the sewing machine?
This could be habit forming.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
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︎ Aug 20 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
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︎ Aug 31 2020
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over... now Iβm
Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Did I ever tell you about the time an elephant sat on me?
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
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︎ Jun 10 2020
I sat on my Indian takeaway...
...now, I have a bum tikka.
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︎ Aug 24 2020
One day I sat down and ate a clock
It was very time consuming
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︎ Apr 19 2020
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
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︎ May 15 2020
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
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︎ Mar 22 2020
I once accidentally sat on a baguette
It was a pain in the arse
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︎ Jun 29 2020
Pete and Repete sat in a boat. Pete fell out. Who's left?
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︎ May 25 2020
I sat down to dinner and asked my son, βYou got any dias?β
Confused, he replied βDias? No...β. I said, βwell I got a whole case-a-dia.β Actually got my wife to laugh a little.
Also, we werenβt having quesadillas.
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︎ May 21 2020
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
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︎ May 23 2020
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.
I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
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︎ Dec 05 2019
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said βwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?β
I respond, βitβs my high knee.β
Dad says, βitβs your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!β
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I canβt wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
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︎ Jun 25 2018
I sat down to sew and wouldntchayknow it, the machine is broken.
Guess that was my last stitch effort.
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︎ Nov 10 2019
I went to a restaurant and when I sat down the waiter asked "comfortable"?
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I sat on a window.
It was a pane in the glass.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
My wife just said, βItβs overβ, and started walking out on me β-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
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︎ Mar 19 2019
Right after we sat down for dinner, the waiter said, βWould you like to hear todayβs special?β
I said, βYes please, thanks.β
The waiter responded: Today is special.
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︎ Aug 27 2018
My wife told me, βIts overβ, and started walking out. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits.
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︎ Mar 27 2020
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