I was shocked, but then I stood the Ground.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets larger when it gets closer
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
The man stood up after a rousing speech, took a bow and marched out triumphantly.
He was protesting against violins in schools.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
A chicken and a duck are stood by a road
Chicken clucks to his friend "don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!"
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all
I was stood in a field the other day wondering why the frisbee coming towards me was getting bigger
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.
“What are you doing, dad?”
I sigh a long, heavy sigh.
“Not much, just feeling board.”
My wife stood up and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday and we stood there looking at the trees for about 30 minutes
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
If everyone in the world linked hands and stood in a straight line
"So you stood there and watched while I dropped all of the laundry?"
"Yep, I watched it all unfold."
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
No matter how much they water boarded Mr egg, he stood strong.
He said he’d dye for his country!
Two snow men stood on top of a hill...
One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
Archimedes was sat around thinking of names for the fluid expulsion tube in the human body. Suddenly, he knew the perfect name, stood up, and shouted-
My buddy got stood up at his wedding.
It went off without a hitch.
Steve jobs named an apple computer - Lisa; the same name as his daughter. Do you know what Lisa stood for?
Which day of the week should you not have stood up for?
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
Man found dead with no legs FIRST 48: Never stood a chance...
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
The mayor of Cowville hosted a citywide celebration of their milk. At the opening ceremony the mayor stood proudly above a pool of milk to show the exceptional quality. Unfortunately as he left the stage he fell into the pool of milk. The townsmen quickly rescued him and asked if he was okay:
"Yes", he said, "I'm all-white".
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...
Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."
The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
Yesterday I stood in front of Ben's reading light
Him: dad why?
Me: I'm an eclipse
Him: not this again
Me: I block the light of the son
What did the scientist say when his sister stood on his toe?
My daughter asked me what DNA stood for
I told her it was the National Dyslexics Association.
My son and a female classmate of his conducted an experiment involving boiling different elements in hot water. They each stood on one side of the experiment.
Seems like there's some chemistry happening between them.
A man in a wheelchair stood up against a bully.
Everyone called him a liar.
My 10 year old stood a few feet away from me and asked... Dad? How far away is a stud?
...my mind raced with punchlines of the “about this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.
Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: “I don’t know son, how far?”
He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a “stud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.
A man and his son were at a bar. The man stood near the dartboards.
When one dart almost hits him, the man says, "look son I'm Dart Evader!"
The son sighs. "Stop it dad."
The man says, "look, I'm not your dad. I am your father."
I stood so long yesterday.
I can’t stand it anymore.
My baker friend made the largest baked good in the world, and stood on top of it for the picture... he was on a roll.
I was actually going to post a chemistry joke, but I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction...
If i stood on my watch and it doesn't break
does it mean i have stood the test of time?
my friend stood in some poo
thats fowl he shouted! looks more like dog shit to me.
At our company's dinner, our CEO stood up and said "a toast to our company"
i don't understand why everyone else was so confused when i put my slice in his office the next day
After God changed Saul’s name, he stood there in shock
You could say he was a Paul’ed
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets bigger the closer it gets to you.
When we got married, I was extremely poor, but my wife stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
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