How do you stop a fight between two blind people?

Say "I bet $10 on the one with the knife", and both will run away

πŸ‘︎ 679
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing β€œI’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
I tried googling tips to stop procrastinating but I ended up reading about photography

Turns out I can’t focus!

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

πŸ‘︎ 486
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smellypants5379
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to β€œDon’t Stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to stop making so many Nazi jokes

She was furher-ious

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStickOnReddit
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?

That's what I do when I'm Russian

πŸ‘︎ 342
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rysefin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a 40 y/o woman wants to stop delivering babies for a living?

A mid-wife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ByWatterson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?

A heroine addict

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll now.

πŸ‘︎ 338
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Why did the fishes radio stop working?

He needed a new tuna

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
My wife begged me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

I said maybe...

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 07
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My friend has been going on and on at me to stop doing flamingo impressions.

In the end, I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
I've been trying to lose weight lately. I spent the last hour running around the cemetery but I had to stop because my arm and chest were really hurting...

I'm feeling dead tired now, I really hope they have a good resting place.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking

But then I saw her face

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DudeManDude__
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
I can't stop climbing up through the garage to the roof...

I think I'm an attic

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
I saw a cow today that wouldn’t stop smiling

I guess he was just in a good mood

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The9thBellow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
What do you call a murderer that can't stop farting?

Jack the ripper

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
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I saw a horror movie about people you could not stop sneezing until they died.

It's based on achoo story.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster that just got a boob job?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
What type of insect can't stop vomiting?

A sickada

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits

Pulp fiction.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
A person sees someone walking in the street without a mask. Frustrated, he goes up to him, stops at two meters away and angrily mutters through his mask,

"People like you make me sick!".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..

It’s because they di-late

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_beard2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
I can't stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs...

I think I've got the crooner virus.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuzikPhreak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
My kids told me I've really got stop making bad dad jokes.

They always got to spoil my pun

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christiescrubbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...

Cuttlefish instead?

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.

It was too time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 954
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
A bee that won't stop eating...

.....Will become a little chub-bee.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
How does a dog stop a TV show....

He presses paws!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
I Made this today i think it belongs here I couldn't stop laughing while making it πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
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When I was young I was a graffiti artist and had my name all over the city but as I got older I thought "This has to stop".

"The writing's on the wall."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.

I took it as a sign from above.

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
Wife: Dad, stop using the name Peter in the place of Penis. One day the kids will meet a kid named Peter.

Me (husband): I agree. This should be kept private.

Wife: groan...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
How do you stop a mouse from squeaking ?

Like anything else, cover it in oil.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
People tell me to stop already with the dad jokes

Over my dad body!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beetlebath
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
I had to stop a candy thief today.

He was getting back to his old Twix.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
My wife and I got into a heated argument where she told me I had to stop pretending to be a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooeymermaid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
My wife told me: β€œYou’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...

so I turned on the closed captioning.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people

just say i bet 20 dollars on the dude with a knife . both ran away ..

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShoyuPorkRamen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 611
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haqeeqee
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop singing β€œI’m a believer” because it’s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...

But then I saw her face.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cigarandcreamsoda
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her

I said maybe...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/On_Cap_No_God
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
I can't stop singing Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I have croonervirus

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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