How can you stop an Italian POW from talking?

Tie his hands behind his back....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Stop talking in sleep
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomatosavergirl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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You need to stop talking to me about vegetables.

I just don’t carrot all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurpy_Snog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop talking in clickbait.

What happened next will shock you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jradio610
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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I met this rude rich guy who wouldn’t stop talking about his mansions.

He’s got some bad manors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I was told to stop talking about cellular mitosis.

It’s a divisive topic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?

Because he was a common-tater.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PetiteJupiter8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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My dad can't stop talking about getting granite tiles for our flooring

Probably because he has lost his marble(s).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floorballouis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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πŸ‘€︎ u/genebear2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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There's a guy I work with who lost all his teeth and refuses to stop talking...

I asked him today "why don't you ever shut up?" He responded "I find it hard to bite my tongue"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creepyroblowe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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My brother can't stop talking about a growth that he's developed on his six-pack.

I think he's ab cyst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Today I spoke to a man who wouldn't stop talking...

...nice guy though. Turns out his name was Bob Loblaw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/civicbro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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What do you call an Iranian who can't stop talking?

I don't know, they just keep bablyon...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bionic80
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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My psychiatrist says I need to stop talking to myself

Psh...

What do I know?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimBap
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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I got sick after my last D&D campaign, I couldn't stop talking like a wizard.

I think I may have a staff inflection!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalvadorSmall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
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My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Dad, you have to talk normal and stop speaking in single letters. Can’t you see I’m going crazy?!

O I C U R

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimmywaffles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I met a pessimistic photographer the other day...

He wouldn’t stop talking about negatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HNipps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46

The dog says, β€œbut I rounded them up.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoeJascoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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If Beale Street could really talk, it would probably say something like 'Hey! Stop walking on me!'

Or something pedestrian like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnew001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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I had one of the first computers that could talk.....

But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickcheney600
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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When visiting Montreal, my Dad would talk about the impatient Stop signs

"It keeps telling me Stop, already!"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Everyone in the car just stopped talking to look at me and sigh. It was glorious.

I just got back in town for the holidays and my family was taking my grandmother to her birthday party. As we were getting in the car my dad asks my grandma, who was in the back seat directly behind him, if she had enough leg room.

Grandma: "Oh, I've got more than enough room. There's a foot between us!"

Me: "That's strange, I'm pretty sure there should be two feet between you..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoonRazer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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For math lovers and others to
  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

  2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

  3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

  4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

  5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

  6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? HeΒ must be plotting something.

  7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

  9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

  10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

  11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

  12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

  13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

  16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

  17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

  20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InvestWithArihant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My wife was making fun of how many cavities I’ve had over the years...

I replied, β€œPlease stop talking about it. You’re hurting my fillings.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerodsanto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
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My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning

I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDGeek
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I dad jokes my dentist while she was actively working on me.

Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.

Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.

Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.

Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.

She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Bad collection of puns

Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.

  1. What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
  2. Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
  3. These puns aren't very eggciting.
  4. lettuce taco bout it?
  5. I will asalt you with puns!
  6. What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
  7. What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
  8. Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
  9. I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
  10. You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
  11. Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
  12. What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
  13. What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
  14. How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!

I'm sorry for the cringe...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:

"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"

I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doctor-rumack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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My girlfriend is a dork

We’re laying in bed together talking about shoes (we’re young but pretty much could be 45) and she says β€œyeah I just have one pair of sneakers and that’s it” and then a moment later she whispered β€œsneaker shoe, I choose you...” and won’t stop giggling now...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starshine092418
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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My mom has jokes of a dad...

"Chinese takeout dinner: $8.45

Gas to go pick it up: $2.12

Coming home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: riceless"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaclyngrace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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An Arabian camel wanted to race in the Kentucky Derby but couldn't because in addition to being a camel, he had a hump.

So he came up with a plan: he would have his hump removed surgically and run as a horse in the Derby. He went online and finally found a plastic surgeon who would do the operation. And lo and behold, the first time he entered the Derby he won by 20 lengths!
Back in the desert, every time a camel friend would come over, he would boast pompously about his win, talking about nothing else. Pretty soon, his friends stopped coming over. So he has to go to the camel bar to see them. Upon entering the bar, one of his tired friends says to another, "oh no! Here comes Hump free braggart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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My friend got REALLY mad at me for punning, advice needed!

My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said β€œThey just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I had to get up at 4 am the other day to catch the bus. I texted my dad this:

Me: I keep making mistakes at work, but that’s what I get for waking up before the asscrack of dawn.

Dad: I’m sure you’re going to be fine. Take it in stride and improve as you go. And stop talking about dawn’s asscrack. She may find that offensive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinetree218
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Wife dropped this one on our honeymoon.

We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies:

"Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat."

She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cander79
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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Can you Spare a Rib?

At the grocery store with my wife and we walk past the meat counter.....

Me: Oh these ribs must be the extras!

My Wife: Huh? What are you talking about?

Me: The package says they are Spare Ribs.

My Wife: Oh geez, you really need to stop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdub5298
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
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Ghosted

my wife suddenly stopped talking to me. It has become so bad that he has not spoken to me since the last decade!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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My son called excitedly from the other room, shouting, "Look dad! A fricken' ground hornbill escaped from the zoo!" Not certain about what I heard and a little upset, I asked, "What did you say!?"

He repeated, "A fricken' ground hornbill...!"

Really upset now, I stopped him mid-sentence and asked, "Who taught you how to talk like that!?"

He pointed to the TV, "It says it right there!"

I looked at the screen and read, "Two African ground hornbills escaped from their enclosure at the Honolulu Zoo in Waikiki Sunday."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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