My friend asks me what's stopping from posting a dad joke

I told him it's my negative karma.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...

It was a clog.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why

I simply said "I don't speak sign language"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OshriM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who is having withdrawals after stopping using drugs?

Lack-dose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sande24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A good way of stopping yours kids from getting high?

ground them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scorpino888
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad says stopping Iran is necessary to avoid war.

I said β€˜how does my not running solve anything?’

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I've got a relative that's really good at stopping people sneezing..

My auntie, Histamine.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tastydoosh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
*after the train had had trouble stopping in the right spot for multiple consecutive stops* Mom: I guess the guy driving is new.

Dad: Maybe he's a trainee.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
So I just found out that Pythons actually squeeze your heart into stopping before you suffocate in their wrap.

I guess that's a little disheartening...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KeKaRoNi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Even at Christmas, there's no stopping him.

Daughter (pointing out a specific color in a nail polish set): "Hey! That nail polish is on my toes right now!"

Dad: "No, that nail polish is in the box right now."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justinerwin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christiescrubbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits

Pulp fiction.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.

It was too time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 956
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.

I payed my $2 and the guy says β€œOnce upon a time there was this lobster.”

πŸ‘︎ 289
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RocksOnReddit924
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns...

I said, "O.K.....I'll give it arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. That's it.

The last straw.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 24k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you stop a bull from charging?

You unplug it!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
STOP πŸ‘ calling yourself a communist if you aren't Russian!

It's Karltural appropriation

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snorumobiru
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?

He ran out of gas.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I just can't understand why my calculator stopped working....

It just doesn't add up.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing β€œDon’t stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are gonna stop making ice cream and start their own branch of martial arts?

They call it Koo-Kee Do

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FartyMcFry89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My son just told me to stop making up things about him.

Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!

But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snidawgg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes

It Taurus apart

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.

It doesn’t make any cents.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns

So from today I'm detergent to be better.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Sons.....
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kimbermall
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Who ever stops the extended warranty calls should win a prize.

I'm calling it The No-Bell Peace Prize.

Idc if you steal this I just thought of it while making lunch and I got another one of them.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Barlark88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototype273
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Stop
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Notstupidblobfish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My heater won't stop running,

I swear it has no chill.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkeria21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My sister asked me to stop singing β€œWonderwall”

I said maybe

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge

But I just can’t quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwaysthecold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I just called my local game stop

They said "please hold"

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skifreeing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m going to stop calling them β€œpencil sharpeners”

And start calling them β€œpencil shorteners”. We’ll see how long my family can take it

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grizzlyhorse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Damn!
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened when the stove stopped working?

It got fired

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsofstyle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
This furniture store won’t stop calling me...

I don’t know why. I said I only wanted one night stand.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/applejamberry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I can stop
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How do hippies stop tsunamis?

They wear tide-die!

EDIT: I know it’s not exactly the dryest humor but I still thought it was fun.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.

Either way, the silver bullets worked.

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
can we stop with the diarrhea jokes?

it's becoming a pain in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Jude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the man stop buying birds?

They were going cheep

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
This is NOT a repost stop saying it is
πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliv071b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.

I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piemamamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

I think it may be terminal

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverBlueWolfey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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