My friend asks me what's stopping from posting a dad joke
I told him it's my negative karma.
My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why
I simply said "I don't speak sign language"
What do you call a person who is having withdrawals after stopping using drugs?
A good way of stopping yours kids from getting high?
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
My dad says stopping Iran is necessary to avoid war.
I said ‘how does my not running solve anything?’
I've got a relative that's really good at stopping people sneezing..
*after the train had had trouble stopping in the right spot for multiple consecutive stops* Mom: I guess the guy driving is new.
Dad: Maybe he's a trainee.
So I just found out that Pythons actually squeeze your heart into stopping before you suffocate in their wrap.
I guess that's a little disheartening...
Even at Christmas, there's no stopping him.
Daughter (pointing out a specific color in a nail polish set): "Hey! That nail polish is on my toes right now!"
Dad: "No, that nail polish is in the box right now."
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal.
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.
It was too time consuming.
I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
I payed my $2 and the guy says “Once upon a time there was this lobster.”
My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns...
I said, "O.K.....I'll give it arrest.
Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. That's it.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
How do you stop a bull from charging?
STOP 👏 calling yourself a communist if you aren't Russian!
It's Karltural appropriation
Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
I just can't understand why my calculator stopped working....
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are gonna stop making ice cream and start their own branch of martial arts?
My son just told me to stop making up things about him.
Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesn’t make any cents.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Who ever stops the extended warranty calls should win a prize.
I'm calling it The No-Bell Peace Prize.
Idc if you steal this I just thought of it while making lunch and I got another one of them.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
My heater won't stop running,
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I just called my local game stop
I’m going to stop calling them “pencil sharpeners”
And start calling them “pencil shorteners”. We’ll see how long my family can take it
What happened when the stove stopped working?
This furniture store won’t stop calling me...
I don’t know why. I said I only wanted one night stand.
How do hippies stop tsunamis?
They wear tide-die!
EDIT: I know it’s not exactly the dryest humor but I still thought it was fun.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
can we stop with the diarrhea jokes?
it's becoming a pain in the ass.
Why couldn't the man stop buying birds?
This is NOT a repost stop saying it is
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
I think it may be terminal
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
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