I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits

Pulp fiction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.

It was too time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 957
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?

He ran out of gas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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My son just told me to stop making up things about him.

Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns

So from today I'm detergent to be better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing β€œDon’t stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Stop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Notstupidblobfish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Who ever stops the extended warranty calls should win a prize.

I'm calling it The No-Bell Peace Prize.

Idc if you steal this I just thought of it while making lunch and I got another one of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Barlark88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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I just called my local game stop

They said "please hold"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skifreeing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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I’m going to stop calling them β€œpencil sharpeners”

And start calling them β€œpencil shorteners”. We’ll see how long my family can take it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grizzlyhorse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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My sister asked me to stop singing β€œWonderwall”

I said maybe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge

But I just can’t quit cold turkey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwaysthecold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototype273
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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This furniture store won’t stop calling me...

I don’t know why. I said I only wanted one night stand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/applejamberry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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How do hippies stop tsunamis?

They wear tide-die!

EDIT: I know it’s not exactly the dryest humor but I still thought it was fun.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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can we stop with the diarrhea jokes?

it's becoming a pain in the ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Jude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.

Either way, the silver bullets worked.

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.

I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Why couldn't the man stop buying birds?

They were going cheep

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I can stop
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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This is NOT a repost stop saying it is
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliv071b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Stop scrolling and paws to look at this pun.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tpark474
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"

Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I've decided to stop tying my shoes

I thought: "Why knot?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maud_brijeulin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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The car salesman wouldn’t stop trying to upsell me to the leather seats

He had interior motives

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time

I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tim_owens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally

I asked her, "Who's Literally?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XenonNade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What the police officer said to the Antiperspirant after the traffic stop?

Roll-on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?

The work gave him gnawsea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hesquiat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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How do you get a dog to stop

Hit the paws button

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodysdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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What happens when the U.S. Mint stops producing currency?

I don’t know, it makes no sense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samrf1202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Sometimes, I stop and reflect on last year.

As they say, hindsight is 2020.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmacatma
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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At a rest stop, the other day, a cop asked me why I was stroking the ground....

β€œOfficer, the sign clearly says to β€˜pet area.’”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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How can you stop an Italian POW from talking?

Tie his hands behind his back....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?

By sheer will.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Hey dad, can we stop at the casino at the next exit?

Dad: Sure, why? Son: I need to go to the bathroom and the sign says they have the best craps in the state.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtdisfraction
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Why did I stop eating German sausages?

They are are the wΓΌrst

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaybeNotYourDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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My wife told me to stop cross dressing.

So I packed her things and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dm-me-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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My family asked me to stop telling them Thanksgiving jokes

But I told them I couldn’t quit cold turkey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thornkale
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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My New year's resolution is to stop binge eating Xmas leftovers...

I'm going to quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasthetanker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

I think it may be terminal

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverBlueWolfey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Someone asked me if I would ever stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessConsuela_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to β€œDon’t stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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