Whatβs the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian, and a father making jokes about pens?
One is bad at telling dick jokes, the other is dad at telling Bic jokes.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?
He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Why do we stand up when we are cold?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Our plumber moonlights as a stand-up comedian.
He's a terrible plumber, but he really cracks me up.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
The only people to show up to my friendβs funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
π︎ 663
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Touring stand-ups keep getting covid.
I guess laughter isnβt the best medicine.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Why canβt bicycles stand up by themselves?
Because they are two tired.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
Why couldnβt the bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
I've decided to base my stand up routine around hollowed-out cones
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog stand...
And said βmake me one with everythingβ
-Robin Williams.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
Iβd first like to make sure this thing is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up.
That concludes the mike check
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.
They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was
the chip monk!
π︎ 49
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
I just realized they can't ever make a movie about a male scandanavian Transformer who works as a stand-up comedian.
They'd be guilty of vehicle Lars mans laughter.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
I think itβs so important to keep speeches short and meaningful, I just stand up and say plethora
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
I can't stand stuck-up bodies of water.
I mean, get over yourself, Lake Superior.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I wasn't invited to perform on the annual mushroom stand-up comedy show
I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",
Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian
Now I'm a sit down comedian.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 12 2020
My friend decided to do stand up comedy in a cemetery
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 13 2020
People usually say, βletβs blow this popsicle stand,β when they are at a place where people are cold and have the proverbial, βstick up their ass.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 23 2020
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.
Finally he quit his job as a teacher.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
I really want to see Patrick Warburton do a stand-up comedy act where he just reads dad jokes.
That shit would be Kronk.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 18 2020
Have you seen the documentary series about stand up toilets?
No? Surprising. Urinal of them.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
A man walks up to a microphone stand.
Man: would all the Mike's stand up please?
a few men stand up
Man: thank you, this concludes the Mike check
π︎ 27
π
︎ Feb 25 2020
Someone got trolleyed last night, fell asleep outside my house, and can't stand up
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 23 2019
I saw Pinocchio do stand-up at a comedy club last night.
Iβm not going to lie, his jokes were a little wooden. Boy...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 02 2020
In class the teacher told me to stand up and talk about something Iβm not good at begging with the letter C.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 26 2020
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Why canβt a bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Why couldnβt the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
π︎ 123
π
︎ May 25 2020
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Why couldnβt the bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
A Zen master walked up to a hot dog stand, and ordered himself a meal.
"Make me one with everything."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
My Himalayan friend has a bull that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own?
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 12 2020
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 30 2020
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 19 2020
Why couldnβt the bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it was two-tired.
Classic
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 12 2020
Why canβt a bike stand up on its own
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 26 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
