Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?

He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.

👍︎ 8
💬︎
👤︎ u/Joesdad65
📅︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I wasn't invited to perform on the annual mushroom stand-up comedy show

I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/Abaght
📅︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

👍︎ 12
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend decided to do stand up comedy in a cemetery

It was a grave mistake

👍︎ 21
💬︎
📅︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I really want to see Patrick Warburton do a stand-up comedy act where he just reads dad jokes.

That shit would be Kronk.

👍︎ 4
💬︎
📅︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw Pinocchio do stand-up at a comedy club last night.

I’m not going to lie, his jokes were a little wooden. Boy...

👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury does stand up comedy youtu.be/nFYOL9ypY_s
👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I once tried doing stand up at a haunted comedy club

I got booed off stage

👍︎ 19
💬︎
👤︎ u/fenris752
📅︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend tried stand-up comedy and making jokes about eyeballs and their fluids. No one would laugh.

I can't blame them; it was vitreous humour.

👍︎ 3
💬︎
📅︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
There are 2 reasons I don't go into stand up comedy

1 is that I prefer sitting down. The other is that I'm not funny

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/Langers102
📅︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
The police arrested a group of men at a stand up comedy show

They were charged with manslaughter

👍︎ 5
💬︎
📅︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I did a stand-up comedy gig for a law enforcement fraternity...

... I must have killed it, because they wanted to charge me with attempted manslaughter.

👍︎ 5
💬︎
📅︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The electric company I work for has a talent show at the annual company party.

One of the techs did a stand up comedy routine. The humor wasn’t very funny, it mostly went for shock value.

👍︎ 17
💬︎
👤︎ u/pikkl_rikk
📅︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The Dad jokes are strong with this one...

My daughter read one book on comedy and wanted to try stand up , knowing the quality of her material I of course said yes!

https://youtu.be/Rtsmxu5KafQ

👍︎ 4
💬︎
📅︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the comedian in a wheelchair?

you could say it wasn’t stand up comedy.

👍︎ 13
💬︎
👤︎ u/sgav
📅︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I know several hilarious paraplegics

They just seem to have some trouble with stand-up comedy.

👍︎ 3
💬︎
📅︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A truly epic win

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

👍︎ 58
💬︎
📅︎ Nov 06 2016
🚨︎ report
My dadjoke was momjoked

I was at my parent's house laying on the couch and browsing this subreddit when decided to try a few dadjokes out on my mom. Afterwards, she just stared at me blankly. O asked her if she thought I was stand-up comedy material, and she replied, without missing a beat:

"Honey... there's a reason why you're sitting down"

👍︎ 149
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 31 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently went to a comedy club...

... The club was packed as an egg was doing some stand up comedy. After the laughter died down from a particularly hilarious one-liner, I leaned over to my wife and said "that's a funny yolk".

👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Got blue balls because of this one

So my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob and decided to use my penis as a microphone to do some stand-up comedy.

Her: "Welcome, welcome, to the stand-up of the century. Ask me if I'm a tree."

Me: "Are you a tree?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Don't take it personally, but I think your stand-up is a bit hard to swallow."

She stopped and I got blue balls because of this, but hell it was worth it.

👍︎ 7
💬︎
👤︎ u/Clayton_69
📅︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
What are you watching?

So I come to the living room where my brother and my father are watching TV, where there's a guy in a wheelchair on the TV

Me: what are you watching? My brother: Stand-up comedy Dad: Stand-up comedy? The guy's in a wheelchair!

He then laughed for himself proudly

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/BlaZerNOR
📅︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.