While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"
To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."
I'm still absolutely floored with pride.
I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.
I told him it was a play on “Words.”
I'm making a very silly game based on conspiracy theories. Chemtrails, flat-Earthers, aliens that kind of thing.
I need a ton of jokes and puns. Plz help.
Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"
On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.
My son is four. We do a lot of puns around our house and he has tried hard, but they don't really make sense. The other day I made a mistake and said, "Oh, crap!" He told me I shouldn't say that word and I agreed, but was frustrated because I made a mistake. A minute later:
"Dad! I have a joke for you!" "What's that, bud?" "What do you say when you make a mistake and have to throw it away?" "I don't know, what?" "Ohhh, SCRAP!"
I'm so proud.
Me: Dad can you turn the kettle on?
Dad: Sure thing!
(walks to kettle, bends down and whispers)
Dad: Oh Kettle you're so hot...
So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...
Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter
Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
I must not have Reddit right.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
It's about time
He doesn’t react to any of them.
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn't”
But i didn't think it wood work.
...but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
It’s fully groan.
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
But I’m 2² to tell it!
This is as close as I could get.
While playing with our 5 year old son and discussing Ninjas and Lego Ninjago...
7 Year Old: I know what kind of shoes Ninjas wear....
5 Year Old: What kind?
7 Year Old: Sneakers
While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s)
Letter “I”: W: “ I is for..... iguana” S: “iguana.... iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.”
He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.
When its apparent.
In a dadabase....
But it was a bit of a stretch.
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
That they're politicool...
Im biased but i think its genius
When the punchline is a parent
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in t... keep reading on reddit ➡
but all the good ones Argon
Dads a good joke!
...but I couldn't catch them all.
but I couldn’t find one that worked.
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
It is that thyme of year, I suppose.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
But only if everyone gets them
But I couldn't catch them all
But I’m afraid it would be too forced.
Never mind it's tearable
But if you saw it, it wouldn't be as good
They are a big part of pop culture
They deserve a no bell prize
I’m warning you. It’s tare-able
Every where I go I see a group of ravens.
Call me crazy, but I think it’s a conspiracy.
Whether you groan or moan
So I spent the next 10 years telling everybody that my family spoke Gibberish and English and always wondering why they would laugh after I said that
...But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Vehicular man’s laughter.
Shtoppumfrumflopinn. eh ehh?
Unless everyone gets them
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
It’s a riot!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell “hey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)
Nevermind, it'd go right over your head.
It'll become apparent
But he forgot the punchline
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
Nvm I don't think it would quack you up.
But it'll dissappear in a flash with all the other jokes here
Me: you sure? It’s really next level.
But none of them work
Pun in ten ded.
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.