What fruit can you use to remove pencil stains from a wall? A dried grape. Cause it's a raisin.
While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"
To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."
I'm still absolutely floored with pride.
I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.
I'm making a very silly game based on conspiracy theories. Chemtrails, flat-Earthers, aliens that kind of thing.
I need a ton of jokes and puns. Plz help.
Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"
On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.
I told him it was a play on “Words.”
Me: Dad can you turn the kettle on?
Dad: Sure thing!
(walks to kettle, bends down and whispers)
Dad: Oh Kettle you're so hot...
My son is four. We do a lot of puns around our house and he has tried hard, but they don't really make sense. The other day I made a mistake and said, "Oh, crap!" He told me I shouldn't say that word and I agreed, but was frustrated because I made a mistake. A minute later:
"Dad! I have a joke for you!" "What's that, bud?" "What do you say when you make a mistake and have to throw it away?" "I don't know, what?" "Ohhh, SCRAP!"
I'm so proud.
So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...
Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
The no-bell prize
It's a faux pa.
When it leaves and never comes back
No pun in ten did.
Asking for a friend
everyone gets it.
I said, “they’re mostly dead”
It's a riot
I don’t know if I am allowed to post this but I just made a dad joke generator. Hope you guys like it. If I am breaking the rule, please let me know I don’t mind withdrawing the post. Here’s the link:
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
But I can Samurais
Just giving cReddit where it's due.
I think it may be terminal
But then I spared him
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
But it just went over my head.
My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."
9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."
Because they taste funny!
WHAT DO A NEAR SIGHTED GYNECOLOGIST AND A DOG HAVE IN COMMON?
A wet nose
My doctor says it’s terminal