Joke Puns

What fruit can you use to remove pencil stains from a wall? A dried grape. Cause it's a raisin.

While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"

To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."

I'm still absolutely floored with pride.

I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears. But thats just me.

I'm making a very silly game based on conspiracy theories. Chemtrails, flat-Earthers, aliens that kind of thing.

I need a ton of jokes and puns. Plz help.

Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"

On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.

My son is four. We do a lot of puns around our house and he has tried hard, but they don't really make sense. The other day I made a mistake and said, "Oh, crap!" He told me I shouldn't say that word and I agreed, but was frustrated because I made a mistake. A minute later:

"Dad! I have a joke for you!" "What's that, bud?" "What do you say when you make a mistake and have to throw it away?" "I don't know, what?" "Ohhh, SCRAP!"

I'm so proud.

I told him it was a play on “Words.”

Me: Dad can you turn the kettle on?

Dad: Sure thing!

(walks to kettle, bends down and whispers)

Dad: Oh Kettle you're so hot...

So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...

Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

A hammer.

But it was worth a shot

The no-bell prize

It's a faux pa.

When it leaves and never comes back

No pun in ten did.

Asking for a friend

everyone gets it.

They would crack eachother up

I said, “they’re mostly dead”

It's a riot

I don’t know if I am allowed to post this but I just made a dad joke generator. Hope you guys like it. If I am breaking the rule, please let me know I don’t mind withdrawing the post. Here’s the link:

https://kiranojhanp.github.io/random-joke-generator/

What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

But I can Samurais

But this is as close as I could get.

But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'

Their words, not mine

Just giving cReddit where it's due.

He tells father jokes

They’re tasteless.

I think it may be terminal

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!

But then I spared him

it's becoming a pain in the ass.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

[removed]

But it just went over my head.

Paper.

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

It's a faux pa.

But then i was like Na

When it becomes apparent

My doctor says it’s terminal