Stand Up Comedy Puns

I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.

Its a sitcom now

That shit would be Kronk.

It was a grave mistake

I’m not going to lie, his jokes were a little wooden. Boy...

I got booed off stage

I can't blame them; it was vitreous humour.

They were charged with manslaughter

... I must have killed it, because they wanted to charge me with attempted manslaughter.

One of the techs did a stand up comedy routine. The humor wasn’t very funny, it mostly went for shock value.

My daughter read one book on comedy and wanted to try stand up , knowing the quality of her material I of course said yes!

https://youtu.be/Rtsmxu5KafQ

you could say it wasn’t stand up comedy.

They just seem to have some trouble with stand-up comedy.

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

I was at my parent's house laying on the couch and browsing this subreddit when decided to try a few dadjokes out on my mom. Afterwards, she just stared at me blankly. O asked her if she thought I was stand-up comedy material, and she replied, without missing a beat:

"Honey... there's a reason why you're sitting down"

... The club was packed as an egg was doing some stand up comedy. After the laughter died down from a particularly hilarious one-liner, I leaned over to my wife and said "that's a funny yolk".

So my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob and decided to use my penis as a microphone to do some stand-up comedy.

Her: "Welcome, welcome, to the stand-up of the century. Ask me if I'm a tree."

Me: "Are you a tree?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Don't take it personally, but I think your stand-up is a bit hard to swallow."

She stopped and I got blue balls because of this, but hell it was worth it.

So I come to the living room where my brother and my father are watching TV, where there's a guy in a wheelchair on the TV

Me: what are you watching? My brother: Stand-up comedy Dad: Stand-up comedy? The guy's in a wheelchair!

He then laughed for himself proudly