Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
What sticks up when you turn it on?
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
I put up a random movie, turns out it was about the invention of the tampon
I didn’t expect it to be a period piece
Son-“Dad it’s cold in here, can we turn the thermostat up”
Me - “No just go stand in the corner”
Son -“Why?”
Me - “Because it is always at 90 degrees”
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up...
What do eggs say when they turn up?
So numbers 1 to 9 had a party but 2, 4, 6 & 8 did not turn up
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
My Star Trek DVDs didn't turn up
..I'd forgotten to send the Chekhov
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
I overheard my wife tell our six year old, “It’s not a good idea to turn up the volume of the IPad to the maximum.”
Me: Listen to mom. That’s......sound advice.
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
While feeding some ducks with kids, more ducks turn up.
Me "there's loads coming, they must have sent a telegraph"
Dad friend "there birds, they tweeted it"
Every year we line up and take turns giving Johnny birthday punches
Decided to turn things up a notch in the bedroom by seasoning my junk.
Turns out it's just a waste of thyme.
My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.
I hate these late night rebooty calls.
I got out of bed and my girlfriend asked "Will you turn the lights off while you're up?"
I said "No, but I can turn the lights off while Asia."
Girlfriend cringed
I turn the TV up loud when a Smucker's commercial comes on...
Last night I met a girl and said urinate. But when I woke up it turns out...
We took a wrong turn on our vacation and wound up at a clothing optional beach. Only one guy was actually naked....
Can you turn the heat up, Dad?
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ....sound advice.
Son: The car manual says that I should not turn up the stereo volume to the maximum.
Dad: That’s......sound advice.
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