True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
When trans boys come out...
They need to get something off their chest
What do you call a skidmark that won't come out?
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
What kind of horses only come out at night?
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
What goes in hard then comes out soft?
Bubble gum
"See ya later said the blind man!"
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.
I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
How does a chemist come out of the closet?
-"mom, dad, im made of gallium and yttrium"
-"what?"
-"im GaY"
Joke from my great uncle: You know that movie "Constipation" that was supposed to come out this year?
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
Why don’t drummers come out of retirement?
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
Guess he’ll B♭out of luck come band class
Pansexuals shouldn’t come out of the closet
They should come out of the pantry
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
If a drummer comes out of retirement...
If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....
You go into the bathroom American, and you come out American... What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European
I figured we could all use a light hearted chuckle right about now.
Love you all out there and stay well!
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
If my wish doesn't come true, eyelash out
Some corn fell out of the grocery bag today. I told them to come back...
But it fell on deaf ears.
Why did Mr Ed’s girlfriend only come out at dark?
You're 'merican when you go into the bathroom, and 'merican when you come out. But what are you whilst your in there?
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
I keep trying to make pound cake, but it never comes out right.
It's always off by a few ounces.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
What goes in long and hard, then comes out soft and wet?
If I swallow two pieces of strings, they will come out the other end tied together
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
