The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Why did the Roman Soldiers have to crucify Jesus 6ft away from the 2 thieves?
...to prevent cross-contamination.
Happy Easter.
I took 2 aspirin pills yesterday and I ran away from my kids
Because I read the label and it said to keep away form children
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
Why did the skeleton run away from home?
Because he had no body!
Tomorrow is joke day at school for my kindergartner so I went to tell my daughter a joke to tell. Tells me she already had one and tells me this! Lol proud dad..
Prepare to be swept away.
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
A German spy gave themself away when I sneezed. They said, "gesundheit!"
It was a blessing in disguise.
What do you call a row of rabbits walking away?
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?
From a friend: Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts if you’re vaccinated.
Why not a cough-fee instead?
I gave all my used batteries away today
When I pulled up to the hardware store I saw a guy running away with a wooden panel. I got out the car and as i got closer to the store i saw two more guys running away with concrete posts. I said to my wife...
..."ugh! People are so quick to take a fence these days"
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
A toothless old lady in hospital always gave away the peanuts she was given by her visitors to the nurses to eat.
One day a nurse asked her why she didn't ask for grapes instead of nuts.She replied that you can't get grapes with chocolate coating!
The man who invented auto correct has passed away...
I’m giving away a pair of gloves that don’t fit me anymore.
Can somebody come take them off my hands?
I had to throw an entire box of animal crackers away.
In Sweden, footraces sometimes start a short distance away from the country’s eastern border.
The winner is the first person to cross the Finnish line.
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
On my pill bottle it says, "Take I pill daily and keep away from children."
Why!! What happens to children after I've taken my pill ?
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.
I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
Sad news. The man who invented predictive text has passed away.
Why did all the pokemon stay away from Ash?
Because he kept Pik-achooing.
I was trying to give away a bunch of those little bugs that make honey.
But nobody wanted my freebies.
I got one of those high desks for work and threw my chair away.
I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad
He don’t come around here no more
The Doc is giving away treatments to remove boils at no cost
Correct me if I’m wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?
Because he didn't knead it!
Rick Astley doesn't mind giving away his Disney movies collection...
But he's still never gonna give you Up. Especially remastered in 4k.
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
My church gives away pointy flags to those who ask forgiveness from a priest...
You should go there if you seek pennants.
What kind of geometry is the best at getting away?
Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples?
Mum now pretty confused: why honey?
Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window
Today, in a cultural fair, I found someone was giving away free balloons to children
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
did you hear that portobello moved away?
He couldn't stand his shroommates
But maybe it's for better. His new apartment is way shroomier
What did the dog say when he threw his old chew toy away?
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
A family vacation is when you go away with people....
....you need to get away from.
The urge to sing “a lion sleeps tonight” is always a whim away.
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
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