While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said โShe obviously has COVID!โ โWhy would you think that?โ I asked.
โBecause she has no taste.โ
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad
He donโt come around here no more
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︎ Jan 15 2021
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
๐︎ 17k
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Why did the art thiefโs van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
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︎ Jan 01 2021
1986, The Chernobyl reactor exploded, releasing a bright, radioactive beam into the sky. People in towns away stared at it in awe.
They must've thought that it was pretty rad
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︎ Jan 15 2021
The creator of Mad Libs passed away
His friends described him as a round and pulpy man who loved his wife and penguins. He will be deeply pooped.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I met my wife in Korea. I knew right away..
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I gave a flat battery away today.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.
Because it was a little coffee.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
The first time I saw her, at her honey stall at the farmers market, I knew right away...
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︎ Dec 16 2020
What did the farmer yell to the shepherds who ran away after their flocks ate all his grass?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?
They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Dec 05 2020
We are putting away our unused Christmas gift wrap materials, and my son casually comments
โTheyโre going to be napping papersโ
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︎ Jan 04 2021
What did one memory buffer say to the other memory buffer as it was running away...
.... cache me if you can.
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︎ Jan 08 2021
My uncle just passed away from accidentally drinking wood varnish
It was a sad way to go, but a beautiful finish.
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heโs ruler of Egypt? When told โthatโs impossibleโ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heโs in da Nile
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I finally cleaned out my junk drawer and gave away all my dead batteries
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︎ Nov 24 2020
U took my breath away
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︎ Oct 11 2020
My friend with a lisp passed away.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
What did the mother melon say to her daughter when she wanted to run away to get married?
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
Why did the melons run away and get married instead of have a big church wedding like their parents wanted?
Because they could elope.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
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︎ Jun 03 2020
What did the butcher say as his arch nemesis ran away?
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︎ Nov 24 2020
What do you call a furniture store that isover 30 km away?
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My gf made me give away my collection of dead batteries
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︎ Nov 04 2020
What did the dad tell his son after their beagle ran away?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Where does santa get his take away from?
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︎ Dec 06 2020
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captainโs birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, โArrr! That was a costly mistake...โ
โWe lost a lot of doubloons.โ
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Before he passed away, my grandfather said, โHere are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.โ
๐︎ 5k
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︎ May 11 2020
โOfficer, how did the hackers get away?โ
โNo idea. They must have ransomware.โ
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︎ Aug 19 2020
My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark
I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"
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︎ Aug 25 2020
What do you call a group of rabbits that are walking away?
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︎ Sep 07 2020
I got (Maggie) Reilly carried away.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
For me, the urge to sing โThe Lion Sleeps Tonightโ is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
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︎ Jun 02 2020
Iโm reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyโve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canโt-elope
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Why did the germaphobe go away to live by himself?
He wanted to be hermitically sealed.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
What did the produce manager tells his daughter who wanted to run away with her boyfriend?
๐︎ 5
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I gave all my dead batteries away today
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︎ Sep 13 2020
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just ransomware.
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Why canโt melons run away & get married?
Because they cantaloupe...
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︎ Oct 30 2020
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night
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︎ Aug 20 2020
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