My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
This left me in stitches...
A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks...
"Do you sell flip flips?"
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
I had a terrible fight with my left ear.
And that was the last time I heard from it.
If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....
My neighbor just asked what I do with “left over” bacon.
I consider myself a bacon connoisseur but I’ve never heard of that kind before, can anyone help me out on this?
My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her he’s all right.
We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left though
It was just one ting after another.
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
None of my Co-workers are left handed.
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
I found out my dad watches the same Japanese time stop videos as me. when he approached the subject during a football game halftime. Being drunk, i confessed... He waited until his friends all left and pointed straight at me and said:
'It's about time, son...'
We both cried
My left knee has never committed a crime.
I can’t say the same for his felony.
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?
“I guess I’m the sole survivor”
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Ewoks aren't meant to be left outside...
My father told me about an astronaut who suffocated because he left a vacuum upside down in an airlock
Father: What a horrible way to Dyson
Joke sucked, I know
I'm left handed. You know who else is left handed?
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
My brother lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible auto accident.
Did you guys hear about the guy that had the whole left side of his body amputated?
This guy was driving on the left side of the road
He just didn't choose the right thing
I accidentally left some money in my jeans as they went through the wash.
I just worry because I know it’s illegal to launder money.
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?
Don´t worry, he´s alright now
When Ludwig van Beethoven died, he left a letter in his will...
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
If you need me, call me on my shell.
My girlfriend that I loved with all my heart left me while I was in the bathroom screaming with constipation.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I just shaved my beard off but left behind a big ol dirty moustache
Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand.
It never does anything right.
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.
That way you start 2021 on the right foot.
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.
That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me something smells
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
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