My wife left me because I'm insecure.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Im left all a loan
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DefNotInTheOven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation

I really have to make it count

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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This left me in stitches...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aimilah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks...

"Do you sell flip flips?"

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rparry40
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"

I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"

πŸ‘︎ 381
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s a Ford Focus

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/racas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I had a terrible fight with my left ear.

And that was the last time I heard from it.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pifgig
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....

Grapeful.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My neighbor just asked what I do with β€œleft over” bacon.

I consider myself a bacon connoisseur but I’ve never heard of that kind before, can anyone help me out on this?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frindwamp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references

Do you have the time to listen to me whine

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.

After that, our teacher became ruthless

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steph_Curryan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left though

It was just one ting after another.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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None of my Co-workers are left handed.

We get along all right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ffjuice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.

It was his Jed Eye Master.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I found out my dad watches the same Japanese time stop videos as me. when he approached the subject during a football game halftime. Being drunk, i confessed... He waited until his friends all left and pointed straight at me and said:

'It's about time, son...'

We both cried

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate_hawwk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?

β€œI guess I’m the sole survivor”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungry-Hippo_3124
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?

Bison

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Ewoks aren't meant to be left outside...

...their Endor pets.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piggster30
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My father told me about an astronaut who suffocated because he left a vacuum upside down in an airlock

Father: What a horrible way to Dyson

Joke sucked, I know

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneraLi525
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I'm left handed. You know who else is left handed?

I don't

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneshock1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"

I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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My brother lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible auto accident.

He is all right, now.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/numberthu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Did you guys hear about the guy that had the whole left side of his body amputated?

He's all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chuckie_Thunder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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This guy was driving on the left side of the road

He just didn't choose the right thing

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youse_tobail32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally left some money in my jeans as they went through the wash.

I just worry because I know it’s illegal to launder money.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Like8catsbro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?

DonΒ΄t worry, heΒ΄s alright now

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leooof321dax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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When Ludwig van Beethoven died, he left a letter in his will...

...it was fΓΌr Elise

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Speedy_Squid57
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?

Bi son!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samfeegan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?

If you need me, call me on my shell.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend that I loved with all my heart left me while I was in the bathroom screaming with constipation.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I just shaved my beard off but left behind a big ol dirty moustache

It’s growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oceanchimp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand.

It never does anything right.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cold_sphagetti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.

That way you start 2021 on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.

That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me something smells

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/araitisaname
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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