Too dangerous to be left alive
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
The wife left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta
Now I’m feeling cannelloni
Pete & Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?
Repeat.
Ok. Pete & Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?
Repeat….?
Ok. Pete & Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?…
My grandpa’s favorite joke. (Peter 5)
What do you say to a man with nothing left?
My girlfriend left me over my obsession with Blink-182.
She said it was all the small things.
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
Man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks....
"Do you sell flop flops?"
After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
I don’t really mind sitting on the left or right of a rowing boat.
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off?
The Franciscan priest left the monastery to start a flower shop, but before he could open, a flock of sheep in the village got loose and trampled him to death.
Only ewes can prevent florist friars.
I just chopped my left hand.
What did the keyboard say when the gamer went backwards, left, and then right, directly into lava?
Looks like one of the guys left
They should make a political organization for older people who've left the workforce.
Call it the retirement party
This left me in stitches...
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
Two guys were arguing. One of them had only a left hand and one had only a right hand.
After a while, the left handed guy realized that the other guy was right, so he left.
I had a kernel of energy left so I created something amaizeing and ear-resistable.
I left my cult because of the ladies.
They were definitely the weaker sect.
What did the buffalo say to his boy when he left?
A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested,
He still has the right to remain silent.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
A woman with two left feet walks into a shoe store
She asks the manager, "excuse me, do you have any flop-flops?"
What did the right lung say to the left lung?
I remember when I left home for the first time, my mum said to me, "Don't forget to write!"
I thought to myself, 'That's unlikely,Its a basic skill, why should I?"
I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.
I should have bought asparagus.
My son left home to become a mime
We haven't heard from him since
Research shows that left handed people waste more food than right handed people
Otherwise, rightovers would be a word.
If 3 lefts make a right, what do 2 rights make?
Why was Stitch obsessed with stealing everyone’s left shoe?
Because Jumba believed everyone should start the day off on the right foot
My wife has just left me because of my obsession with football...
Shame really, we've only been married for 2 seasons.
My left nostril is blocked
I went to a wedding where the bride was left at the altar
It went off without a hitch
What do you call parmesan cheese that doesn’t stay where you left it?
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
What did the hospital say to the man with 100% of his left side missing?
The doctor says “He’s alright”
The nurse follows “There’s nothing left!
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day
Did you hear about the man who had his left side amputated?
A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store:
"Excuse me do you sell flip flips?"
A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks...
"Do you sell flip flips?"
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
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