I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said “oops, you gave me an extra-“
He said “Nah, that’s a freebie”
It’s sad the neighborhood went down the crapper
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
I went to a terrible zoo yesterday, it only had a dog
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
A couple went on a date.
Girl: I like this place. How would you rate the vibe here?
*Guy starts leaving*
Girl: What happened?
Guy: You made it clear that you don't need a guy. You need just a vibe-rater.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it
I went to my funeral practice again
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever
They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
So I went to church and looked around for people
Just went camping last night. It was in-tents.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. Cashier asked " How long would you like them"
From march to September said the man
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
Did you see where the computer hacker went?
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily
Guess she just wasn’t a keeper
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
I went to the Pharmacy today...
When I got there, I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?” Being I’m a Senior Citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing, gagging and turning green. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?” The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!” So I said, “Oh thank God! That’s such a relief! My Doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my Urine for sugar!”
Went to my psychiatrist yesterday wrapped in cellophane.
Doc said, "I can clearly see you're/your nuts."
I went to a zoo yesterday, It was awful! there was no animals there apart from 1 dog
Two skunks were named In and Out. One day, In went missing. Even though he was deep in the forest, Out found him right away. When asked how he did it, Out replied
Just went to Starbucks this morning
The barista was wearing a face mask. I asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” She said “I’m not, it’s a coughy filter.”
Went to the doctor and he used the defibrilator on me!
I went to buy some camouflage shorts the other day.
A block of cheese went to the gym and
I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.
The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.
Finally took my chances and went put on the pull with my new aftershave called breadcrumbs
Complete success! The birds love it
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to file a complaint about the location of the well.
I went with my friend in med school to Disney World and he was getting antsy everytime we had to stand in line.
So I told him, "If you want to be a good doctor, you'll need more patients."
My dad went to the grocery store for a pack of cigarettes.
He came back with the cigarettes but told me he filed for divorce.
I always wondered why the the bakery down the street went out of business.
It turns out they were using Naan starter.
An actual variation on a joke my father said.
Neil Armstrong went through many keyboards
He kept wearing out the space key.
I went to the party store to get balloons for my kids birthday and was talking to the clerk about the rising cost of helium.
The clerk said “Actually, it is due to increased inflation.”
I went to a microbrewery and a soft serve ice cream store the other day.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
I went to an Internet cafe, but they declined my credit card.
I can't believe how rapidly I went from having a complete and impressive mullet to being bald!
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
I went to the doctor to get a splint for my sprained finger and instead got the COVID-19 vaccine.
I guess, I had a little vaccident.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees.He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra." That's a freebie.
Yesterday, I went to a zoo, but there was only one animal there
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
