I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
I went to the first meeting of my premature ejaculator’s support group this morning..
I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that "no one understands me."
He said, "What do you mean by that?"
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.
The bastard put me on Xanax!
I went to McDonald’s and ate a kid’s meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
I just went to get my glasses fixed and you’ll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
That’s right!
.... Everyone.
My pal and I went to dissect insects in biology class. He looks down and says
My cat is so comfortable he went into a comma
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
One of the earliest dates I went on with my Wife was a Blindfolded Archery lesson.
It wasn't our first date but was the one that stuck in my head.
I accidentally left some money in my jeans as they went through the wash.
I just worry because I know it’s illegal to launder money.
Went to a great party for meteorologists yesterday....
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."
“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
Went to the shops and bought some fly spray.
Sprayed it all over me....Still can't bloody fly.
2 years ago I went to Halloween as ThanOS
I went to the bathroom earlier today and forgot my phone
It was a shitty experience
Dad went out to this field and sent me a picture of himself there.
The caption read ‘I’m outstanding in this field!’
I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.
She shoved me pretty hard but I didn't fall down.
Went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog.
The Carbon Monoxide detector went of last night,
Can't say I remember why though.
I went to the store to buy chicken broth...
but they said they were out of stock.
My wife and I went out for dinner and ended up with food poisoning. She ate some bad chicken and got salmonella
while I ate some bad salmon and got chickenella.
I went to the Med school library to get a book on abdominal pain
Someone had already ripped the appendix out.
I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.
Doc: lie down on the couch and we’ll discuss this.
Me: I’m not allowed on the couch.
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
A son went to the stockyards to buy a cow for his father. After a furious bidding round, he finally bought one....
However, after handing over his cash, he was only left with 10 cents. He didn't have enough money to catch a bus home. So he went to the telegram office. He asked the lady how much it was to send a telegram home. 10 cents a word she said.
Well, what one word could he send home to his father to explain the situation?
"Comfortable"
We successfully went back in time and got Isaac Newton and Shakespeare to complete each other's research
Now my high school kid wants me to remind him of Newton's 3rd law of emotion
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.
On the way home I got mugged.
You know, people made fun of trump for the way he went down that ramp.
It was a little con descending in my opinion.
I went to a restaurant last night and they had pelican on the menu.
I was going to order it but the bill would have been huge.
The show Phineas and Ferb came and went like their adventures.
Started with a bang and phineased unexpectedly.
edit: woah my first award. thank you u/LingThingLS
I went to a maths themed restaurant today
They were only doing takeaways.
I went to the library to look for a book on dinosaurs...
The librarian said “Try Sarah Topps”
Went to the comedy club with some friends and ended up paying for everyone...
What did the lawyer use when he went fishing?
De’bait’!
or, alternate punchline:
Bating tactics!
A man broke his leg in three places. He went to his doctor for advice.
“Stop going to those places!”
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group
But it turns out that it’s tomorrow
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
