How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyJelloJiggles
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What do you call a depressed locomotive?

A trainwreck

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinycubegamer45
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I discovered a locomotive that never lies...

I call it the true true train

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YouIdiotSandwhich
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?

Or are they always just training?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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How to locomotives get in shape to haul freight?

They train.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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How did the detective figure out who the engineer murdered?

He found his locomotive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Ozzy Osborne’s song β€œCrazy Train”..

is a story about a true locomotive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MariusMon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why can’t locomotive engineers be electrocuted?

Because they are not conductors

text from my dad who just retired from being a train engineer this morning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainreset
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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I was telling my friend about locomotives, when i forgot what i was saying

I lost my train of thought

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gibb0605
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Why are locomotives great at their job?

They had a lot of training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClebberBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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What do you call a locomotive full of whores?

A train of thot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkillBranch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Why could no one understand the trains reasoning.

It had locomotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathdlr34
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I built my car out of locomotive parts.

It’s an all-train vehicle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynickname86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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What's a toddler's least favorite locomotive?

The potty train

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πŸ‘€︎ u/braxistExtremist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Did you hear about the locomotive conductor that ran the boston marathon?

He had to do a lot of training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_That_Ass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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My daughter is at a seminar learning to instruct physical conditioning programs to locomotive passengers

It's called train training training training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-jako
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Where does a locomotive get its news and gossip from?

From its engine ear...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Herr_Opa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2017
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What do you call it when you learn to conduct a locomotive?

Training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tesseract-Cat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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What is it called when old-timey locomotives work together?

Steamwork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/platyboi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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In order to be a locomotive operator...

you need to train super hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer ?

He had locomotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Never trust trains

They have locomotives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucash7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tru_Fakt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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I often lose my train of thought...

Except for when I'm thinking about locomotives, then I lose my thought of trains.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bgulbs3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Spanish cover of Crazy Train?

Locomotive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shiroum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A car was acquitted from multiple murder charges

They couldn't find a locomotive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBobMrBob
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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My spanish friend wanted to rob a train.

He had locomotives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JedaiGai
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where to go?

Training

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UYScutiPuffJr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where to go?

Lots of training

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bomber_Max
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where they are going?

Lots of training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronicdane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Why was the locomotive so fit?

Because it was always training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives know where to go?

They go through lots of training.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barelyknowherCFC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do locomotives hear?

Through their Engineers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perezgc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2017
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What do you call an apprentice locomotive conductor?

A conductor in training.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reesareesa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrispyMussels
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/420_esketit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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People are saying that my motive is crazy

But I just call it a locomotive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casecanredd
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer

He had locomotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0b_l0b_law
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/command_613
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mexican serial killer?

He had Locomotives!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report

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