My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

πŸ‘︎ 858
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Can I see the result of my eye test

Probably not

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yourmomspetfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When my kids found that the fall term would be completely online, the result was instant drama and tears.

But now that we had a few drinks, we feel better.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The result of an art competition...

Is a draw.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewrmshin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the kid in class that always demands the teacher give the exam results ASAP?

Markus

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lakkabrah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
We received your test results from the urologist...

Urine for a surprise!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsaSnap
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I COULD tell you a top secret combination of words which result in the instant death of anyone hearing or reading them..

But then I'd have to kill you.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bermobaron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter...

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.

Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."

My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

πŸ‘︎ 691
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the result of breeding two redhead bakers?

A GingerBreed

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr0u4ker
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDNL
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I was terrified by the results of my blood test

But my doctor just said B positive

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rmlrmlchess
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Iowa Results Justin
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/douglasses2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when it takes more than 24 hours to see any election results?

Electile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidSnake13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Hospital told me my blood test results had been 'lost'

I knew I shouldn't have trusted Dr. Acula

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My NAD test results came back

and it turns out I'm dyslexic

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Has anyone got the results from the Iowa...

Cau-chaos.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jinx99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The results of the post-mortem were in, and it was clear the man had been murdered with a plate of mild curry.

A Blunt Force Korma

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KubaKomorebi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Your test results are pawsitive
πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardik_katyal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I opened a book and counted the average value of how many times the letters A to M appear in each page of the book. After getting the results, I threw them away.

They are only means to an N.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Lawyer - Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?

Doctor - Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.

Taken from an actual court hearing

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Important lab results
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/withmoxie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The result of thinking about peanut puns while sleep-deprived
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chivels_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Which piece of punctuation is usually a result of bowel cancer?

;

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
You're fired, Jack. The test results came back, and you tested positive for Coke
πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.

... Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Weekend833
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Received the results back for my blood test, and I was pleased.

Top marks: A+.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't believe the results of the Australian Election this year.

Bill really got the shorten of the stick.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darthmonks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If Nokia takes over the Kia company, does that result in No Kia πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dalot7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Just got the results of my assessment to be part of the air display team

I passed with flying colours

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Google search result with a dad joke

https://imgur.com/gallery/Im6oPJt

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedBinder
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
There are two types of people in the world... Those that can extrapolate results from incomplete data and...
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
[Meta] can we make it a rule that any comment from pun patrol will result in an insta ban from this subreddit?

It is incredibly lame to see the same comment in each and every thread. Like I don’t understand what fun do they get.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tahmid5
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Might result in in-bread kids.
πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I got my glaucoma test results back..

It was a sight for sore eyes

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uncleratchet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The result of Germany vs South Korea in World Cup
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Future_Banner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œThe results came back, I have an STI.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYes, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Riggaberto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
"Doctor, are the test results ready? I'm dying from curiosity"

"Heh, not just curiosity"

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RichPeanut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Scientist publish sensational series of results from their habanero research

Referred to as the Red Hot Chili Papers

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ehtBlackberry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Renaming Darth Vader to DarthVader has the same result as killing him...

One less space in vader

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eldobeast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The fart test results are in...

...you passed.

Kinda proud of this one.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sensitiveeyes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
🚨︎ report
After sharing a pun I saw here with my brother, he destroyed it faroese-ily. Thought y'all might enjoy the finnished result.
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pamplesmoosh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
🚨︎ report
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.

I turn back to my son and say β€œit turns out, I’m not made of money”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mawbster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
The Russian people anxiously awaited the results of their anonymous election...

Sorry, not Czar E.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IO_you_new_socks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Me to my husband: I got my 23&me results back and my genes say I am better off on a low-carb diet.

Him: But what did your shirt say?

It was so unexpected, I was proud!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nickifoxx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

Does anyone know if that's true? I keep looking it up but I can't find anything It is driving me crazy!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reddof
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What an outstanding result in potty training.

An envy pee.

(like an MVP, get it..OK I go away now)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
All X-ray results are negative.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maplefoxx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Got bored.. this was the result.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryguyforlife
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved!

Thank God it came back negative!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
🚨︎ report
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful

In fact, it was gourdjuice

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
🚨︎ report
What was the result of the labor dispute at the bowling alley?

A strike.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarlet_Spectre
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
🚨︎ report
I’m glad I kept working out, im finally starting to see results.

I guess good things comes to those who weight.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Domthehuman1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I got the DNA test results back for my two adopted dogs...

I told my dad that one of the dogs is a purebred plott hound.

Dad says, "So if she gains weight, then the plott thickens."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do we call unintended results of taking medications side effects, and not...

pill bugs?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PatrickBaitman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Out dad joked by my wife. This one based on the Olympics. We were watching swimming results.

Me:I've participated in the breast stroke.

Wife:And I've won almost every time!

That's where I was headed but she beat me to it.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vasharpshooter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Doctor: We got the results back, there's staph in your nose..

Me: I don't remember hiring anyone

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clitbeastwood
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2015
🚨︎ report
A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!"

Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

(x-post from r/Jokes)

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/radixhidayat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
🚨︎ report
A large group of fat economists probably get better results than a small group of thin economists.

Due to the economists of scale.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dockerhate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend's dad decided to do one of those facebook questionnaires, here is the result.

http://imgur.com/a/Z7N1m

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/illegalpirate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What was the result of the Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Maul battle?

Obi Wan

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Warwolf5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
🚨︎ report

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