Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says they say Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They all agree it would be great to hear how the locals pronounce the name of their city. They all go up to the counter and one says, could you tell me where we are and please say it slowly. BURR-GURR-KIIING!!!
We have a 15 year old dog who's getting old and gets sick a lot. Tonight was a pretty bad night for her, moving slowly, lathargic, not acting like herself. All of a sudden she starts heaving, then after throws up the most we've ever seen.
Mom: "Ahh poor thing, I feel so ba...OMG WHERE DID THAT ALL COME FROM?"
Step Dad: "Looks like it came from her mouth."
I lost it for a good 5-10 minutes.
Dog is feeling much better now! :)
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Gorilla wharf heir.
"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"
To which my dad said,
"Yes you are".
Sooooo... my oldest daughter curled her sister's hair this weekend... on the way home I started waving at her until she looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I told her that her hair was all wavy so I was waving back. She had the usual split second involuntary smile at the the corners of her mouth before she gave me a you-son-of-a-@#$%!-look ( http://imgur.com/D0UHimq )... because my kids refuse to acknowledge how funny I am... I laughed... and laughed...and I'm still laughing about it today...
This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...
"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"
I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about
I then say "We call it a condom."
She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues
Dad: so I heard he got caught for some DOOBius behavior
Me: Well let's just it was a chronic mistake
Dad: Were his parents blunt with him?
Sadly I couldn't think of another pun
"How do you feel?"
"With my hands, mostly"
Background: I have some experience behind a camera and have been looking for a job filming. My friend was telling me about a possible opportunity.
Friend: Ya know, they are opening up an adult movie studio soon, there may be some job openings.
Dad: It doesn't pay much, but it's all you can eat!
She was holding a small female Shitzu and my friend wanted a picture with her and her dog, I snapped the pic and my friend says "I got my picture taken with two beautiful women" to which she replied "Oh my dog is only 4 months old" Without hesitation my buddy says "Well I guess the makes me a PET ophile then" Many LOLs were had, Ive had to listen to him tell this story 50 times since hehehe
I responded: "yeah that was a while ago, he's Adult Rock now"
My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!
My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."
I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"
Groans and laughs ensued.
Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?
Walked out of his room after changing into nice clothes from casual:
"I'm a changed man"
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one."
Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
After we finished installing the hooks, and hung the curtains I asked her to hand the cap to me.
"Honey, can you hand me the pole end?"
She was unsure of what I meant, and asked, "What pole end?"
"Pole end is a country in eastern Europe, but I need you to hand me the cap the to the curtain rod."
The following conversation ensued.
Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.
Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.
Me: In the morning.
Receptionist: I don't know who that is.
Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."
Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.
Me: Thank you.
Recruiter: Hello this is ________.
Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)
Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.
Me: Thanks in the morning.
Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.
Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."
He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:
"Turn off the damn fans, I'm trying to fish over here and you are creating too much wind"...
So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'
Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.
I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.
We're getting ready for bed, and I let one rip. The gf tells me to light a match to get rid of the smell.
As I'm going to light it, I turn to her: "So I guess you could say there's quite the... <strikes match>....SPARK in the bedroom tonight?"
Groan-filled laughter ensued.
Today for example. Me: “Tomorrow morning is going to rain.” Coworker: “What’s afternoon?” Me: “The time stretching from 12:01 to about 5pm.” Laughter ensued from the rest of the shop.
Dialogue that just ensued between my wife and I. (We're sorting some invitations alphabetically)
Wife: "E, F, G, H, I..., Do you have any I's?" Me: "Yes, I have two." Wife: "Where are they? Can you hand them to me?" Me: "They're next to my nose. It might hurt to give them to you." Wife: "Huh?...Ohhh (Eye roll). That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
I was quite proud. She was annoyed.
Person is having a coughing fit...cough cough hack cough cough.
Me: "maybe you shouldn't drink so much...(pause)...coughee.
(Hilarity ensues, at least for me.)
...I told my wife that, in medical terms, we were performing a Hostarectomy.
Laughter and groans ensued.
Legally blind man sees for the first time in 20 years, dad joke ensues... http://imgur.com/gallery/IfQbYbx
Me announcing to others about getting the plan we've been working on rolling: "... I'll write an email..."
My boss: "You write emails? I always typed them"
other co-workers: nodding, nods, faces of agreement
cheers of laughter ensued.
What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?
A: Lenin suits
What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?
A: That'll leave a Marx!
What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?
A: Stop Stalin and get to work!
What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?
A: Mao! That hurts!
An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.
The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."
The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."
20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.
The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"
The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Walking out of a hardware store with my friend he sees a new Coke brand refrigerator. He says,
"My dad tried to get one like that but he couldn't find one. They don't sell them to just anyone"
I immediately responded,
"Yeah you've gotta be a coke dealer"
Laughing ensued on my part all the way home while he just looked at me like I betrayed him. I'm assuming that means it was a perfect dad joke.
Roommate (Context: we just started hooking up) comes home from work. Comes upstairs and hangs out watching movies until sexytime ensues.
After sexytime she gets up and says "S*** I'm late, I need to go" so I ask "Where are you going?" she replies "I was supposed to meet my friends an hour ago, but I got Dick-stracted."
I proceeded to fall out of the bed laughing.
The first couple days of winter have really delivered for us, and it's cold and snowy where we are. My dad walked over to the window where the thermometer is and the following conversation ensued:
Dad: Let's see what Arthur says.
Me: You named the thermometer Arthur? Why?
I rarely walk into those setups so easily and he was so pleased with himself.
Husband- where's the spoon for the cantaloupe?
Me- I used it in the corn.
Husband- WTF you just corn-taminated my cantaloupe spoon. (Laughter ensues)
Me- silence and an eye roll.
My uncle was telling a story about a swimmer had several dolphins surround him to protect the swimmer from the sharks in the water. After he finished his story, my dad asked, "Do you think the dolphins did it on porpoise?" Groans ensued.
My mom: Explain to me how Will Smith look the same as he did in 1989?
Dad: Maybe it's just sheer Will-Power.
Laughter ensued for the rest of the night. Goddammit dad.
and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.
In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.
A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.
So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.