Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 744
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My bff and I want to go to a local art exhibit. Terrible art puns ensue
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/GunShopMom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of friends are heading through Louisville and a debate ensues as to how to pronounce the name of the city.

One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says they say Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They all agree it would be great to hear how the locals pronounce the name of their city. They all go up to the counter and one says, could you tell me where we are and please say it slowly. BURR-GURR-KIIING!!!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter leaves her imgur account signed on. Dad finds it and the dadjokes ensue.

πŸ‘︎ 346
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac1822
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My mom lost her car keys. Asked if I had them. I barely search, tell her I don't. Two weeks pass. I find them. Punning ensues.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/wellyeahobviously
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Dog throws up, (step) dad joke ensues

We have a 15 year old dog who's getting old and gets sick a lot. Tonight was a pretty bad night for her, moving slowly, lathargic, not acting like herself. All of a sudden she starts heaving, then after throws up the most we've ever seen.

Mom: "Ahh poor thing, I feel so ba...OMG WHERE DID THAT ALL COME FROM?"

Step Dad: "Looks like it came from her mouth."

I lost it for a good 5-10 minutes.

Dog is feeling much better now! :)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/NYKyle610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
🚨︎ report
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.

Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hollowbody57
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I sent him a photo of my puppy and this ensued
πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImElyk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.

Gorilla wharf heir.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,

"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"

To which my dad said,

"Yes you are".

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ‘€︎ u/JTCMuehlenkamp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend was throwing a β€œbisexual party” the other day. Puns ensued
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ‘€︎ u/aexolthum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend posted this article... Pandamoium ensued.
πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ‘€︎ u/usedbinpop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
🚨︎ report
waves of laughter ensued

Sooooo... my oldest daughter curled her sister's hair this weekend... on the way home I started waving at her until she looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I told her that her hair was all wavy so I was waving back. She had the usual split second involuntary smile at the the corners of her mouth before she gave me a you-son-of-a-@#$%!-look ( )... because my kids refuse to acknowledge how funny I am... I laughed... and laughed...and I'm still laughing about it today...

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ‘€︎ u/samoerai
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyramids_of_Gold
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Borderline Inappropriate Dad Joke

This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...

"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"

I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about

I then say "We call it a condom."

She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/kindatrolly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
my friend got caught smoking weed, this coversation ensued

Dad: so I heard he got caught for some DOOBius behavior

Me: Well let's just it was a chronic mistake

Dad: Were his parents blunt with him?

Sadly I couldn't think of another pun

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/iconic444
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
🚨︎ report
I was sick and being SO was taking care of me. Groans ensued.

"How do you feel?"

"With my hands, mostly"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pocket_Bottlecaps
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
🚨︎ report
I went on Shamchat as "MC Delta T". Chemistry puns ensued.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/corvus_corvidae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Slow claps ensued...

Background: I have some experience behind a camera and have been looking for a job filming. My friend was telling me about a possible opportunity.

Friend: Ya know, they are opening up an adult movie studio soon, there may be some job openings.

Dad: It doesn't pay much, but it's all you can eat!

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ‘€︎ u/jt_216
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Saw a friend at a 4th party with her dog, hilarity ensued

She was holding a small female Shitzu and my friend wanted a picture with her and her dog, I snapped the pic and my friend says "I got my picture taken with two beautiful women" to which she replied "Oh my dog is only 4 months old" Without hesitation my buddy says "Well I guess the makes me a PET ophile then" Many LOLs were had, Ive had to listen to him tell this story 50 times since hehehe

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Payador
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
🚨︎ report
My friend told another friend that Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock were no longer together...

I responded: "yeah that was a while ago, he's Adult Rock now"

πŸ‘︎ 407
πŸ‘€︎ u/beardedjawa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day.

My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!

My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."

I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"

Groans and laughs ensued.

Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbare
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad after changing clothes.

Walked out of his room after changing into nice clothes from casual:

"I'm a changed man"

πŸ‘︎ 450
πŸ‘€︎ u/execjet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Wife "Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?"

Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one."

Groans from the wife and kids ensue.

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hubey808
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were putting up a curtain rod, and I had previously removed the cap at the end of the rod.

After we finished installing the hooks, and hung the curtains I asked her to hand the cap to me.

"Honey, can you hand me the pole end?"

She was unsure of what I meant, and asked, "What pole end?"

"Pole end is a country in eastern Europe, but I need you to hand me the cap the to the curtain rod."

Groaning ensues...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewBo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A recruiter emailed me and asked me to call him in the morning.

The following conversation ensued.

Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.

Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.

Receptionist: Who?

Me: In the morning.

Receptionist: I don't know who that is.

Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."

Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.

Me: Thank you.


Recruiter: Hello this is ________.

Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)

Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.

....... Later

Me: Thanks in the morning.

Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.

Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."

Recruiter: Groans

πŸ‘︎ 234
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
At work at PetSmart, little boy yells "guess what?! I have 3 knees!!" My manager takes the bait, says "oh yeah?"

He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/redstert
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Fishing on an inland lake on an island this weekend with my daughter. This island generates lots of power via wind turbines. Anyway, We are on the lake and it gets rough and REALLY windy. Pretend to get mad and yell at the power station...

"Turn off the damn fans, I'm trying to fish over here and you are creating too much wind"...
groans ensue.....

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/cmeilleur1337
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'

So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'

Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend right before bed last night

We're getting ready for bed, and I let one rip. The gf tells me to light a match to get rid of the smell.

As I'm going to light it, I turn to her: "So I guess you could say there's quite the... <strikes match>....SPARK in the bedroom tonight?"

Groan-filled laughter ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/sigepcane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
🚨︎ report
We have a lot of Dads at work and this a lot of Dad Jokes.

Today for example. Me: β€œTomorrow morning is going to rain.” Coworker: β€œWhat’s afternoon?” Me: β€œThe time stretching from 12:01 to about 5pm.” Laughter ensued from the rest of the shop.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
"Do you have any I's?"

Dialogue that just ensued between my wife and I. (We're sorting some invitations alphabetically)

Wife: "E, F, G, H, I..., Do you have any I's?" Me: "Yes, I have two." Wife: "Where are they? Can you hand them to me?" Me: "They're next to my nose. It might hurt to give them to you." Wife: "Huh?...Ohhh (Eye roll). That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

I was quite proud. She was annoyed.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ‘€︎ u/nsdavis1
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I've used this on my kids and my students. Makes me laugh every time. They laugh some of the time.

Person is having a coughing fit...cough cough hack cough cough.

Me: "maybe you shouldn't drink so much...(pause)...coughee.

(Hilarity ensues, at least for me.)

πŸ‘︎ 323
πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
🚨︎ report
While transplanting Hosta plants from one garden to another...

...I told my wife that, in medical terms, we were performing a Hostarectomy.

Laughter and groans ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faro808
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A Dad Joke 20 years in the making

Legally blind man sees for the first time in 20 years, dad joke ensues...

πŸ‘︎ 605
πŸ‘€︎ u/journiche
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked at work

Me announcing to others about getting the plan we've been working on rolling: "... I'll write an email..."

My boss: "You write emails? I always typed them"

other co-workers: nodding, nods, faces of agreement

me: groan

cheers of laughter ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 872
πŸ‘€︎ u/aufleur
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/crookedletter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this before going to bed last night

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

giggles ensue

πŸ‘︎ 836
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeHeTyler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but I laughed at my own joke for at least 5 minutes.

Walking out of a hardware store with my friend he sees a new Coke brand refrigerator. He says,

"My dad tried to get one like that but he couldn't find one. They don't sell them to just anyone"

I immediately responded,

"Yeah you've gotta be a coke dealer"

Laughing ensued on my part all the way home while he just looked at me like I betrayed him. I'm assuming that means it was a perfect dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 317
πŸ‘€︎ u/LUMPYromero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Fell out of bed laughing at sexytime dadjoke

Roommate (Context: we just started hooking up) comes home from work. Comes upstairs and hangs out watching movies until sexytime ensues.

After sexytime she gets up and says "S*** I'm late, I need to go" so I ask "Where are you going?" she replies "I was supposed to meet my friends an hour ago, but I got Dick-stracted."

I proceeded to fall out of the bed laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeaDHatchi
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad got me good today...

The first couple days of winter have really delivered for us, and it's cold and snowy where we are. My dad walked over to the window where the thermometer is and the following conversation ensued:

Dad: Let's see what Arthur says.

Me: You named the thermometer Arthur? Why?

Dad: Arthur-mometer!

I rarely walk into those setups so easily and he was so pleased with himself.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsProbsTaken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My husband dadjoked me tonight

Husband- where's the spoon for the cantaloupe?

Me- I used it in the corn.

Husband- WTF you just corn-taminated my cantaloupe spoon. (Laughter ensues)

Me- silence and an eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ‘€︎ u/shlebo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
🚨︎ report
My father dad-joked my uncle

My uncle was telling a story about a swimmer had several dolphins surround him to protect the swimmer from the sharks in the water. After he finished his story, my dad asked, "Do you think the dolphins did it on porpoise?" Groans ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 244
πŸ‘€︎ u/taj693
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad pulled this one last night.

My mom: Explain to me how Will Smith look the same as he did in 1989?

Dad: Maybe it's just sheer Will-Power.

Laughter ensued for the rest of the night. Goddammit dad.

πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ‘€︎ u/UsaRoxAll
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/purpleibanez801
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.