My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
Someone went out of their way for this.
I'm sticking with/to my guns. It makes sense either way
People just liked it better that way
There's many ways "werewolf" can be interpreted.
My son said, “Dad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?”
I said, “No. Get your fax straight.”
Which way to go? The boring way or the...
Dats one way of looking at it
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
What's the best way to cook alligator?
Phoned my wife and said, "Unbelievable...on the way to the bowling alley my tyre went flat."
"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.
"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."
How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods ?
They followed the psycho path
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
What do you call a man on a roof with no way down?
By the way, I get these puns from an app called "dad jokes"
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Why did the Dragonborn climb all the way to High Hrothgar?
He wanted to know what all the Fus was all about.
What creature do you follow to find your way out of a swamp?
Want to know the best way to avoid accidents?
You know that theory about no two people see colours exactly the same way...
Surely it's a pigment of their imagination ?
What’s the best way to get to the capital of Senegal? (From my 8 yr old son)
I figured out the best way to cut carbs!
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.
He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..
What does Putin say when something doesn’t go his way?
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
Michael J Fox hacked his way into my old iPhone
He’s looking for The Secret of my 6S
Blew a bike tire on my way home. Had to push it the rest of the way.
What do you call a homing pigeon that can’t find its way home?
What's the easiest way to male a glow worm happy ?
Cut off it's tail, it'll be delighted
What's the best way to carve wood ?
The best way to get dad joked:
I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.
I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?
She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.
So I say, not yet I'm dirty.
She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:
wait a sec,
um, I know um,
um, wait.... dir...
[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]
Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!
I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...
It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she ha
... keep reading on reddit ➡
I never thought of it this way
My friend was going to barbecue baby backs but fell in the way to the grill...
What helped the prostitute mend their ways?
They studied horticulture
I wrote a book about the most comfortable ways to sleep in a coffin.
They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market.
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
In a freak accident the laboratory sink came to life, made its way to the mad scientist's door and knocked.
What’s the easiest way to get a panda to eat?
No way to cushion the blow
At the company picnic, my co-worker said he had some juicy gossip. He loaded up his plate but tripped on the way to my table...
A starving tribe marched their way to the desert to get food
because of the sand which is there.
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
I love the way the earth spins
It just really makes my day
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar
Pterodactyls evolved a way to urinate without making any noise.
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
Glycine was known for its evil ways.
I love the way Earth rotates.
What's the best way to see big butts from a distance?
The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...
is to buy one ply toilet paper
My wife’s body is perfect in every way except that she wears glasses.
It’s okay though. I’m willing to look past that.
What is the only way to help people with ADHD?
Send them to concentration camps.
I laughed at the magician when he said he could make the entry way into a container..
Then he left and the door was ajar.
Only way to upload jokes here
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.
My clippers ran out of juice half way through shaving so I started to beat the heck out of em...
I've just come to the realisation that in a way a baker is technically also a parent...
Because their raisin bread.
Do you know the best way to make antifreeze?
A grandfather clock swings both ways
That’s why we ‘watch the hours go bi’
What did the momma buffalo say to her baby buffalo on his way to school.
What is the best way to get into college?
Girlfriend, my dog and I went hiking today and on the way up the mountain there was a big bee buzzing around my head.
So I said “Bee-gone” and my girlfriend shook her head. Best feeling ever.
In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.
This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment
I locked my door on the way in, but when I looked back, it was slightly ajar
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?
What is the best way to get to college?
Which ways more a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water. Butane is a lighter fluid
I love the way the world spins
My daughter thinks I invade her privacy way to much.
At least that’s what I read in her diary.
What's the best way to quit being vegan?
Her: I’m done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!
Me: I’m only forty, love.
What is the most effective way to quit being vegan?
The easy way to get from fat to fit:
Just takes a vowel movement.
A good way of stopping yours kids from getting high?
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.
But the whole damn process is painstaking.
A group of phiologists is trying to conpletely change the way sentences are structured
They call themselves "New Word Order"
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
What's the respectful way to bury a cow?
My wife said the best way to deal with bugs in the kitchen is to just leave them alone.
Personally I think that is just ignore ants.
If someone copies the way I make pasta
Did they just copy-pasta?
What's the best way to protect yourself from a group of angry clowns?
i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry
I won't vaccinate my kids it's way to dangerous
I'd rather let the doctor do it
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed
What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ?