The right way of flirting
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AligatorKS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

πŸ‘︎ 277
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madhur_Gupta_nerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Does anyone know the best way to remove ice from a windscreen?

I've just used an old discount card I found in my wallet, but I only got 20% off....

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I was diagnosed with Dunlaps Disease shortly after feasting my way through the holiday season...

Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: β€œHow do you know it was going to school?”

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I like the way earth rotates.

It really makes my day

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romeo_rocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

She said, β€œYeah.”

I said, β€œI knew it!”

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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What's the modern way to donate to the church?

Papal Paypal!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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What’s the most effective way to write a murder mystery?

Bullet points

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.

They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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What’s the best way to transport a giant foot?

toe truck

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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The best way to make your pants last

Is to make your shirt first

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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What's the best way to check the quality of Lady Gaga's botox?

Poke 'er face

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hasdog_willtravel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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What's the best way to avoid getting killed by sheep?

Dodge Ram

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smakattak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is

that one of them is an elephant.

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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What is the worst way to ruin a joke?

A miner spelling error

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What is the best way to cancel an appointment?

Ask for disappointment

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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What did Joe say to Donald on his way out the door?

Bi den

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sync_shark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.

It was a near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leif_hans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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What’s the best way to trap a polar bear?

First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!

(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megsie72
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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What did the 46th president say while taking the White House keys from the 45th on his way out?

Bi den.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DancinOnTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I can't think of a better way to cross the lake

Canoe?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alecdoconnor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Draco Malfoy's preferred way to get to the dungeons? SLYTHERIN!

JK Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Steve Irwin died the way he lived -
  • with animals in his heart.
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElZoof
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"

And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...

But it'll make dew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i4mb4tm4n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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While driving from Oklahoma to Illinois, I got lost on the way.

I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Everyone laughed when they saw the way my barber styled me...

But I liked my new hardehardo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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What's the most American way to sit?

Spread Eagle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokebandit91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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What the best way to make a muscle contract?

Make them sign on the dotted line.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmTheTrueGeniud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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The Italian chef that lived near me pasta way :'(
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n00b90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?

They need plenty of

KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnnyfender
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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You know, people made fun of trump for the way he went down that ramp.

It was a little con descending in my opinion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimjimjimjim69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning

I said β€œI bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTombstoneswe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital

I named him Carson

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?

I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."

Note: this really happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemonAdeAid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?

Saturn Uranus.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ochoytnik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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I boughta broken radio for a dollar that had the volume stuck all the way up!

Couldn't turn that down!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishtire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.

After all, it was a low bar to climb.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retrohero5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: β€œHow do you know it was going to school?”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I love the way the earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeSp00kMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 339
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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