The right way of flirting
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
Does anyone know the best way to remove ice from a windscreen?
I've just used an old discount card I found in my wallet, but I only got 20% off....
I was diagnosed with Dunlaps Disease shortly after feasting my way through the holiday season...
Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt.
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
I like the way earth rotates.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
What's the modern way to donate to the church?
What’s the most effective way to write a murder mystery?
I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.
They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.
What’s the best way to transport a giant foot?
The best way to make your pants last
Is to make your shirt first
What's the best way to check the quality of Lady Gaga's botox?
What's the best way to avoid getting killed by sheep?
The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is
that one of them is an elephant.
What is the worst way to ruin a joke?
What is the best way to cancel an appointment?
What did Joe say to Donald on his way out the door?
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
What’s the best way to trap a polar bear?
First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!
(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)
What did the 46th president say while taking the White House keys from the 45th on his way out?
I can't think of a better way to cross the lake
Draco Malfoy's preferred way to get to the dungeons? SLYTHERIN!
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Steve Irwin died the way he lived -
- with animals in his heart.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"
And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...
While driving from Oklahoma to Illinois, I got lost on the way.
I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.
Everyone laughed when they saw the way my barber styled me...
But I liked my new hardehardo.
What's the most American way to sit?
What the best way to make a muscle contract?
Make them sign on the dotted line.
The Italian chef that lived near me pasta way :'(
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?
They need plenty of
KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
You know, people made fun of trump for the way he went down that ramp.
It was a little con descending in my opinion.
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
I boughta broken radio for a dollar that had the volume stuck all the way up!
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
I love the way the earth rotates.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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