Did you hear about the environmentalist who went down the same bicycle route twice?

He re - cycled

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForeverGing3r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
If bus routes were teenagers and time was drugs, my bus would be a really good kid.

Because let me tell you, it is never on time.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Route Beer. Root Beer. Got it on Route 66. Nuff Said.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagmarashiYT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.

At least that’s the word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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My dad was confused about the route the satnav was taking us

Dad: where is it taking us?

Me: [destination]

Dad: no, I meant how is it going to guide us there?

Me: on the roads

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T3CHN4UT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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My wife was yelling and upset with me that I couldn't figure out the exact route to her parents house in Canada from our place in Ohio.

I told her it was border line abuse.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnaEd64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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Is route pronounced as β€œrowt” or β€œroot”?

I guess it depends which way you go.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tartare_Sauce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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My geometry teacher said we don't have to simplify square routes in his class.

I thought that was pretty radical.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyLogix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"

He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VWXYNot42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
The airline says replacing old Dash-8s with new 737s will mean quicker flights on all impacted routes, but...

it’s obviously a longer plane ride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My mother asked me to pick up chocolate coins for the kids on the way to her Hanukkah party. When the store on my route didn't have any and I showed up with regular chocolate, she started crying and begged me to go back out to a different store.

I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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My GPS took me on a bad route

It's never fun learning the error of your Waze.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pupikal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
🚨︎ report
"We should turn off here, it's the shorter route."

...my dad says as we pass the exit sign for Shorter, AL.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dane83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route

I guess they're taking me for a ride

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scott003
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad operates a motel and cafe on Route 66

http://i.imgur.com/M0R9tHo.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xHaZxMaTx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
🚨︎ report
We were discussing the carpool a few years ago and there was heavy traffic on every single route we normally take.

Dad: At least we dont have to take the battery tunnel to get to school. Me: Why? Dad: Because then we'd have carpool tunnel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treyisajedi93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
censorship
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeaners7n9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I think I had my first dad joke moment

I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"

Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"

There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."

My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a butchers and admires the mans meat...

β€œThat’s a nice bit of a ham you have there. It’d be a shame if there was an s at the beginning of it and an e at the end.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kcambridge35
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A new postman

A new postman on a route sees that in outgoing mail are several letters he delivered a day before. He thinks it's odd and redelivers them to the right mail boxes. Next day he sees the same letters again and he gets curious and sees that they all were addressed to same street. He redelivers them again to the right mailboxes. Same thing happens on the third day, so he thinks hard and formulates a hypothesis. He wants to confirm it, so he decides to stop his route delivery and wait there rest of the day.

Around 7 pm, he sees 4 men come to the mailbox, take their letters and put them back into the outgoing bin. The postman runs over to them and asks "hey, you guys use Reddit?" - they say "yeah, how did you know?", The postman says "all that reposting is pissing me off guys"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YogiAtheist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My school is so PC

they changed the bus route so the driver had to be updated.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/immasebe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A man lying on his death bed surrounded by his children...

He said to his sons β€œYou two take the north and south side properties” . And to his daughters he said β€œ you two can have the downtown and riverfront properties”. He then suddenly died. The nurse said to the children β€œI’m so sorry for your loss, I had no idea your father was such a wealthy man!” His son said β€œwealthy?! That’s his paper route!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nfarfaglia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Pornstars would be solid NFL wide receivers

They've perfected the "comeback" route

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tofuman911
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a droid that take the long way around?

R2-Detour

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinSpanish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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Football legend Gary Lineker must be a dad
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treapor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
🚨︎ report
How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickymomo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Bus driver dad joked the entire bus.

I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:

"This bus will be express from Huron out."

Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LurchPuppy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
🚨︎ report
A king is building an army

King: how many volunteers do we have for the army?

Squire: 384 my liege

King: ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsman12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad just got me on our drive to Key West

So we've been driving for about 30 minutes down state route 1 and talking has died down a bit. We're just listening to some oldies on the radio when my dad says, "Flo Rida must be pretty popular down here. I keep seeing his name everywhere." I replied, "really? I haven't seen it anywhere..... Ugh Shut up dad."

Edit: Key West is the most southern part of the state of Florida, USA. Flo Rida is a rapper. Flo Rida is really popular in Florida. My dad saw Flo Rida a lot during our drive in Florida. If you don't get it yet, leave /r/dadjokes

Edit 2 because people keep struggling. If this doesn't help you understand the joke you're lost.
Flo Rida
Flo rida
Florida

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greekgodgrizz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
🚨︎ report
[request] Boat puns?

Decorating a cardboard boat tomorrow (made it today) and thinking of covering it with different puns. The name shall be Admiralable Saboateur if I go this route, but I'm not sure how to incorporate it all together to make it a theme. I also thought of Aquadisiac and "Are you my armama?" but I'm not sure if the crowd would get the armada reference either. Any boat puns are appreciated!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LivingSecrets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
🚨︎ report
'Singapore Airlines records low passenger numbers on Canberra to Wellington flights'

Well then, I guess Singapore airlines did not get to CAPITALise on this capital to capital route

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinderium
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Concussion puns?

My friend got a concussion and I want to send him a concussion pun. It could be wishing him well but not required. Ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/offlebagg1ns
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
🚨︎ report
My fiance is going back to school

She was originally going to school for radiography but has changed her mind and decided to go a different route

Her: "I'm going to major in Kinesiology."

Me: "What's that?"

Her: "It's the study of the human body with relation to movement and fitness."

Me: "That sounds neat. What do you already know about it?"

Her: "Next to nothing. But I also don't know Chemistry. Well, except for the basics."

Me: "What about the acids?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P33T
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
🚨︎ report
The cashier at Whole Foods hates me

Went to WFs to buy some killer produce, specifically avocados. They sell both "organic" and "conventional" type avocados at the one near me. I decided to not overspend on four avocados so I went the conventional route. I take my poor man's avocados to the cashier to ring up and she asked "Are these organic?" I said, "no conventional, but still organic." She looked at me while handing me my receipt and said, "ooooh, that's a gooooood one. Bye bye."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1dolla2dolla
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
🚨︎ report
I've never known if my Dad was being a troll, or a Dad

I was driving with my permit and my Dad was in the passenger seat. He is notoriously good with directions (and at the time I was unfamiliar with our whereabouts), we are approaching a dead end stop sign (I can only turn left or right). I proceed to ask my dad about 30 yards away from the intersection if it was faster to go left or right (to our destination) he simply replies "yes."

Anytime I bring it up now he just chuckles and changes the subject.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TooMuchJokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Why did the tree feel so lost?

He'd forgotten his routes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/16letterd1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
🚨︎ report
A Man Gets Into A Taxi

A man walks out of his work building and hails a taxi. He gets into the taxi and says, "Take me to the sandwich shop up on 45^th street." Ten minutes later they arrive, and the cab driver checks the console. "That'll be $12.00." The man is shocked. "This route used to be only $6.00! What happened?" The taxi driver explains. "Well, construction was blocking the usual route, so I had to double back and take a longer route." The man considers this, then shrugs.

"I guess that's fare."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlausBaudelaire
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife and I sitting on the porch talking about how we used to get to school.

She said she had car pooled most if her school days. I asked what route they took, and she mentioned a road that had a tunnel. I asked if it made her wrist hurt. She said 'No, why would it?' my response: 'Havent you ever heard if Car Pool-Tunnel Syndrome?"

I have to eat dinner with the dogs tonight now.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiAcademy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my friends at the climbing gym

We were looking at the routes on a slab wall and I said "Falling off always sucks, but on THAT wall, it's just a slab in the face."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Meth Dealer [OC]

So a meth dealer is trying to expand his territory into a local school back in the late 90's. He's having a really hard time until he hits on a marketing phrase: "Meth is illin'!" For some reason, that closes every sale he tries to make at the school. It starts with the students, but then he gets some of the faculty as customers and he has one dealing the stuff. For some reason, every single time, when he says "meth is illin'!" he closes the deal. Even the administrators can't seem to resist his catchphrase.

But then his contact on the faculty alerts him to a problem -- the janitor is going to figure out what's going on, and he's going to shut everything down. The teacher is scared of the guy, but our dealer has gained so much confidence in himself that he cannot worry. He waits for the janitor on his morning route.

"Hey man, don't you know? Meth is i-"

But before he can even finish the sentence, the janitor has sprayed floor cleaner in his eyes, hit him in the gut with his

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SadEaglesFan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
🚨︎ report
A classic joke my dad tells

My dad is a truck driver. This story gets everyone he's ever told it to: Dad: "So I'm driving through Detroit at about 3-4am to start my route. As you know, most of the inner city roads are crap, and are polluted with potholes. Suddenly I see an ambulance in my mirror going full speed with its lights on. I immediately pull off to the side of the road to let it pass. This is where it gets crazy... The ambulance drives through the intersection bouncing through potholes and as it does, the back door flies open and a cooler pops out, but the ambulance keeps going like nothing happened. Well I was the only one around at that time of the night so I immediately stopped to grab the cooler. I bring it into my cab and it has a hazmat sticker on it but the seal is broken. So I decided to open it up and see what was inside. It was a human toe!" Me: "Holy shit! What did you do!?" Dad: "I called the toe truck"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rylon2008
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Put it back please

Happened 15years ago.
I was giving direction to a friend to our appartment when i said:
"Take route 7 to cascade parkway"
"Take the second exit to parkway north and dont forget to put it back"
Her: "what?"
Me: "yes put it back so someone else can take it"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fflipski
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a caper that falls off your bagel?

...an ESCAPER!

Discovered this gem while Wife was carrying her bagel to the table and lamenting the caper that fell to the floor en route.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shyrac
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
🚨︎ report
How are you feeling?

I was delivering my paper route when i saw one of my customers, frank, coming out of his doorway. I was talking to him about small-talk when one of his neighbors greets him.

"Hey Frank! How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling alright." squeezes neighbors bicep "and how are you feeling?"

I love that guy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Not a Dad Yet, But....

There's a combination pizza place/gas station called Pompeii on a main route in town. Every time we pass it, my boyfriend goes, "I bet their pizza tastes like ash..."

Every. Single. Time. :-/

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
🚨︎ report
I was dad joked while driving my dad to the electronic shop today.

I asked where I had to turn, since we took a more unfamiliar route. "Left," he said. "Right," I replied. He looked at me and smiled. "No, left!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Pops has always been the sensitive type.

Family was discussing how my brother's ex-girlfriend's grandmother is being transported to RI to be buried after passing away in Florida.

Me: Isn't it sorta weird... you know.. that there could be a dead person flying in a plane en route to Rhode Island.

Dad: No, not really. I'd say the guy she was sitting next to would be the only one a little creeped out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MichaelAnz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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