My wife made a graph to track her periods.

It's a flow chart.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hybridtheory1331
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
*Play laugh track*
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainCamoroni
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
How do ranchers keep track of all their cows?

They keep a cattle-log.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
This watermelon is from the wrong side of the tracks

It’s seedy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
How does the Battlestar Galactica track it's mileage?

An Adameter lol

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porcuswallabee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
What cell service provider do track stars use?

Sprint

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/funnydeadpool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
Do you know how I keep track of all my Mediterranean friends?

Italy.

(My friends actually appreciated this one so I thought I'd share it here.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aethoneagle
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
He prolly wanted to make a dish track. v.redd.it/12huxm3n98o41
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wakandaa_foreva
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
How do meteorologist track lightning strikes?

They use a Thor-mometer!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icebolt08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
There’s a new company that goes in conventions and claim they can track you by your smell

But they can’t do it without your con scent

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lurebat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KimJongEwww
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?

He keeps a log book.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChknSchnity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a knife that joins the track team?

Blade Runner

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?

He keeps a log book.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
They sure got back on track
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/f1sh333
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked a friend if I should go into business selling curvy tracks for people to ride their toboggans down for jollies...

He said it sounds like a luging proposition.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Especially if it's a good book that makes you lose track of the time
πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When race tracks are worn down their parts are used for other tracks

It’s just the circle of life.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAverageSJW
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My smartphone tracks my cat's sleep patterns.

There's a nap for that.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
He must be having a pretty good track record!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindspot7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know why South Dakota has the best track teams?

They Rushmore

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/d8spereaux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s so many times I can’t even keep track

...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you track Will Smith?

Look for fresh prints

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronJohnno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Two people went on a hike and came across some tracks. One argued they were foxes and the other said they were a deers

They were still arguing when the train hit them tho 🚞

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eoghanr888
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Matthew McConaughey keeps track of his car maintenance...

... with his Lincoln logs!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Three clowns and the tracks in the forest

Three clowns were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first clown said, β€˜Β€ΒœThose are deer tracks.’€

The second clown said, β€˜Β€ΒœNo, those are elk tracks.’€

The third clown said, β€˜Β€ΒœYou’€™re both wrong, those are moose tracks.’€

The clowns were still arguing when the train hit them.

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/three-clowns-and-the-tracks-in-the-forest/

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad as we drive over train tracks.

I think a train has just passed by here.... Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points....you can see it's tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 347
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dashiellbalder
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep track of the all the trees that grow in my local area in a book

It's my logbook

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weakshiv
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear the joke that track and field kids always tell?

Yeah it’s kind of a running joke. The kids always throw it around. Everyone is quick to jump on an opportunity to tell it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zach_Bauer_24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did the Joker keep track of all his candy bars? In his Heath ledger.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ishouldjustdienow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
It's how farmers keep track of their day
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tails?

It's your Yelp score

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/all-the-puppies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Drives by railroad crossing: a train came through here not to long ago. It’s tracks are still here
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/420rubberducky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad...

took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, "Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about." I laughed and felt better.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2016
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between vinyl, 8-track, cds, cassettes, and mp3s ?

With vinyl everyone can be a record holder.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/prendrefeu
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
They really need to get back on track
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/War_King_123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I took my cute CPA go karting on our first date to a place called Turbo Tracks...

She wasn't Intuit

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sdempsey313
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of track does a clown car race on?

A laugh track!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Salmon_Fanta
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at track practice and I made a joke and ever since then we’ve made that joke every day.

It’s a running joke

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chicken-littler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Buy a Tile they said, it’ll keep track of your phone they said
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mellowbelot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I built a support to prop up my planner that helps keep track of the news reports about the robbery of 3-foot measuring devices from a boat repair place in West Michigan...

It's my Georgetown Township Shipyard Yardstick Stickup Update Datebook Bookend.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MenacingBanjo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Few people know Queen used to make hip hop tracks.

They had all sorts of bohemian Rap CDs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m keeping track of every time I poop on an app...

Does that mean you have to log it?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Talmagecorey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks.

Look son, a train has gone by here recently. Son,How can you possibly know that dad? Dad... Look there...you can see it's tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
If Kanye samples "Green Onions" in a track...

...does that make him a rapscallion?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ahwitz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Every time we cross train tracks, I tell my kids...

β€œHey, a train just went by!”

β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

πŸ‘︎ 756
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying β€œthe voices in my head tell me to”.

It was a loco motive

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGunslinger215
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Whats the only Sith Lord that keeps tracks of his bowel movements?

Count Dooky

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/s__haw__n
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Every year my town has a 4th of July track meet during the day, and any age can compete. My geologist dad, heavy set and not ready to compete, entered the mile and obviously did poorly, but he crossed the finish line, gave me a shit-eating grin and said:

"......gneiss guys finish last."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
🚨︎ report
I once photographed a track team practice for the high school yearbook.

I guess you could call it timed laps photography.

πŸ‘︎ 837
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/k-smackerel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2015
🚨︎ report
[Pun Request] Looking for a pun to combine lobster/crustacean with a race car driver/car/track/race.

Title, basically - I need a character name for dnd, dm has required all character names be a pun, and he misinterpreted my initial request to play as a lobster race as a request to stage some sort of actual lobster race.

I haven't thought of anything, and character building sesh is tn, help me out folks!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xhephaestusx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
🚨︎ report
The woman getting on the train in front of me lost her shoe onto the track as she clumsily clambered aboard. I asked her how she was...

She told me it was sole destroying

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rmcg84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I finally put my life back on track
πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficerBlart
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2014
🚨︎ report
What does the Joker use to keep track of his chocolate toffee bar expenses?

Heath Ledger

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/richrawl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a list that keeps track of toffee candy bars?

A Heath Ledger.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimateInferno
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Germany has never won a gold medal at a track event

Which is funny because they’re known for trying to finish a race.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LelPopYT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the vegans quit the track team?

They didn't like the meets

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PHATstuFF21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
In one of my statistics classes, we were given a task to measure and analyze the fumes coming from tailpipes of various cars and to track their environmental impact.

It was exhausting.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sum_buddy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad uses this one whenever we drive over train tracks imgur.com/L2iMsNF
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nik110
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2013
🚨︎ report
There's not just one, but TWO track and field workshops happening at my school today.

How do they have so much to discus?!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
🚨︎ report
How does a deer hunter keep track of all their cuts of meat?

Using a ven-ison diagram.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lord_dumbello
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
🚨︎ report
I recently joined the track team...

we spent the car ride home talking about the famous world runners and their impressive times and such. When we got home my dad said:

Dad: "You know I'm actually a record holder myself"

Me: "Wait really? In what event?"

Dad runs downstairs and comes back up with the biggest grin on his face, and holding a box of vinyl records

πŸ‘︎ 242
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
🚨︎ report
I guess there have been safety concerns regarding NASCAR's track designs; specifically with the turns. In an attempt to address them, the courses were reversed.

They're all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Every single road trip--the train tracks joke.

Dad: "Hey kids, a train just passed by" Me and my siblings: "How do you know?" Dad: "It left its tracks!"

It was funny the first time when I was 9. Now it's funny because it's dad humor.

πŸ‘︎ 453
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Track runners are my inspiration

Because they get over every hurdle in their way

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cardiotoma
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bus that's on the right tracks

Well train-ed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stayhomedaddy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Just realized I dad joked the foreign exchange student the first day of track practice.

*walking down the line asking everyone their name.

And whats you name?

"Lauda"

WHATS YOUR NAME?

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodLuckLetsFuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Japanese Olympic Track and field team [long]

the Japanese Olympic Track and field team, in typical Asian make-every-thing-harder-to-do-than-it-has-to-be fashion have announced that hey are sticking by their regimen of only using malformed, decade-and-a-half old, equipment rigged to pop out of the course unexpectedly in order to secure their hopes of Olympic glory. While this may seem counter intuitive, Kadauo Osakamizu, a analyst for the team claims there is actually a historic cultural precedent for the odd exercises. In a quote, Mr. Osakamizu insists that the idea is that "if the team can excel with such sub-par materials, executing wins when the equipment is good should be of little concern."

So it seems that at least for the foreseeable future, Japan will be pinning their hopes on Teenage, Mutant, Ninja Hurdles.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStaffmaster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2016
🚨︎ report
In the annual scientistific track and field meet, the geologists always lose

Proving once again that gneiss guys finish last.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Watching the Olympic track cycling...

My housemate: Do they have brakes?

Me: No, because then somebody would have to remember whereabouts on the track all the cyclists were while they got a bottle of water and a snack.

My housemate: ugh.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kambian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
"Why don't you like throwing sports, dad?" I ask after he goes on a rant about track and field.

I don't like to discus it.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eightplusandunder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Apple devices track your steps and store them as "pedo-files"
πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
🚨︎ report
If you think riding a sled down an ice track is easy

You are delusional.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a group of midget geniuses and a woman's track team?

Well, one is a group of cunning runts.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekraft
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2013
🚨︎ report
How does a communist keep track of important dates?

The Marx it on their Karl-endars

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaziestofLids
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm boycotting all track and field events in the Olympics.

They're race-ist

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HipsterDoofus31
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
🚨︎ report
So the football stadium at my university is located across the railroad tracks from a very old cemetery...

My family comes up to visit and see the campus and as we drive down the road between the stadium and the cemetery I mentioned to them how hard it is to get tickets this year. Pointing in the direction of the cemetery, my dad proceeds to say "oh I bet they're just dying to get in!"

Groans all around.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OutgoingBuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
You know why South Dakota has the best track teams?

They Rushmore

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/d8spereaux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KimJongEwww
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
🚨︎ report

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