Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He got stuck in a crack.

Courtesy of my step daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
Why did Jesus cross the road?

The power of Christ compelled him.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skryf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
How does a legless turtle cross the road? 🐒

Take the F out of free and take the F out of way.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VascalDaRascal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Snores loudly and car careens off road
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/holxino
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Why did the duck cross the road?

To get to Quacker Barrel.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Minstral_Meadows
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...

...that's where I finally had to draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
I saw a mouse on the road.

It was a roadent

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Killerbunny00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
Why did the policeman cross the road

I dunno, beats me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cigarello123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BethJ2018
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/h_cordeiro8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BULbyCharTOle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
The sporting goods store downtown was having a big sale on canoe paddles, but traffic and road construction made it real pain to get there...

...yeah, it was quite the ordeal to get the oar deal.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
Why did the rabbit cross the road?

Because on the other side, it saw a great hopportunity!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
Why were there so many road accidents in the Roman Empire?

Everyone had a hard time navigating those sharp V-turns.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonrodriguez_DT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
🚨︎ report
You ever notice how few Deloreans you see on the road?

I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scrambledeggsalad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
Be careful on the road, my friends!
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eijensama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edotri
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
Everyone's saying 2020 is a bad year. It's not looking great a couple years down the road either.

Cause that's 2020 too.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spargletarzan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
I Guess the Steaks are High When You Drive Down This Road
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the restaurant across was hiring.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zuwiboiii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
A man is speeding down the road, so a cop pulls him over...

The cop says "Why weren't you braking back there?"

And the man replies "I'm wearing clean underwear."

The cop says "Why is that relevant?"

And the man says "Well, I don't wanna get any skidmarks."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?

It was refined.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a road and a street?

To the other side

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nintendo4noah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
Another why the chicken crossed the road

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: To visit the town idiot.

A few minutes later...

Me: Knock, Knock.

Friend: Who’s there?

Me: The Chicken

You moan now but I suspect you are already planning to use this one.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mgmcotton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
What did the 2x4 say on a road trip?

β€œI’m board, are we stairs yet?”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NikoBuffalogna
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move into a house.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29
🚨︎ report
Why did the pigeon cross the road?

He was duck-taped to the chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyBucanneer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
When chrome starts hogging the road as well with slickity slackity rims.
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/damndomino
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go over to the ugly persons house.

Knock knock. Who’s there. The chicken....

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hells_Bells2334
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
🚨︎ report
Why did Ghislaine Maxwell cross the road?

Because all the cameras were malfunctioning, and the guards were not doing their checks, and even though she said she didn’t want to cross the road, we think she did it anyways.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To talk to the idiot.

knock knock

Who’s there?

The chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fightthemonster1
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
I found a sack on the side of the road. I reached inside to see if I could figure out who it belonged to. I think it belonged to Santa.

I felt his presents.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rlchv70
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken with depression cross the road?

To apply to KFC.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftRadio0
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.

It was touch and go from there on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
Why did the cow cross the road?

To go to the moovies.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. β€œHow do you know if the dog was dead?” She asked the boy. β€œI know because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. β€œWhat do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

β€˜I went up to him and went β€œPssstt!” in his ear and he didn’t move.’

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Commment
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.

Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SPONGEROBERT123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Social distancing

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/felinebarbecue
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field!

An oldie but a goodie.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WellysBoot
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken with one hand cross the road?

To go to the second hand shop! My Dad told me this joke 20Y ago when I asked him for money to go shopping. I still giggle everytime I shop in second hand stores

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nzembi
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Why did the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff cross the road?

They were just following the chicken!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidGreenComic
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
You dont see many Delorean's on the road

It’s because the owners only drive them from time to time.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poptart100
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
I bought a copy of MS Office, but I dropped it on the road going back to my car...

...well, that's the Word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
My dad got sacked from the roads for stealing yesterday after twenty years.

I couldn't believe it at first but when I got home all the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1901pies
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
I saw a cyclist riding close to a steep cliff. He hit some gravel and veered away from the road toward the precipice. At the last minute he saved himself by jumping from his bike.

For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
Why did the Russian cross the road?

Because he was a Chechen.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dodginator
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

It wanted to get you stuck at a crossroad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strauman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zoey-Fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
Why did the pebble cross the road

It wanted to be a little boulder.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reteperator
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Look at the question mark I'm asking you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JasehStan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
Why did the Jedi cross the road?

To get to the Dark Side.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Why did the cow cross the road?

Because it wanted to go to the mooo-vies

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nasytasy
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
I never thought my son would steal road signals

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, I crossed the road, changed a light bulb and walked into a bar.

My life is turning into a joke

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
I recently got a job making roads, it's boring as

Phalt

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
Why did the shopper stop in the middle of the road?

So she could do online shopping.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bananacurtain
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Driving past a road named Short road

(taps passanger's leg while looking at them) how short do you think that road is?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nolandeluca
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I always fall down from my cycle riding on uneven bumpy roads.

It's a vicious cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?

To get to the dark side!

(May the Fourth be with you all!)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
Road trip.

I was talking with a friend. He said he wanted to surprise his wife with a trip up north, to the land of the midnight sun. I said "Alaska?" he said "NO! DONT! I said I want it to be a surprise!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
A magician was driving down the road

Then he turned into a driveway.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBackstreetNet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
I think my brother is an kleptomaniac who steals from public roads

I saw all the signs

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SwamiSweatSocks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
Why did the book cross the road?

To get to the author side.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/praaany
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
My sexual partner got run over by a road roller

Now she’s my flat-mate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Why did the park master cross the road?

To get to the other slide

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/romanator25
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
Why did the crab cross the road?

He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shaner38
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
Why did the deer cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randdom_user
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HaruArashi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the elephant cross the road?

To avoid the giraffe-ic jam.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Mystic_Man
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
What did the new road say to the steamroller?

You flatter me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
I’ve created a monster. My 6 year old just asked us: Why did the robot cross the road?

Because he was programmed too 🀦🏻

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
Why did Dwight Schrute cross the road?

To BEET the traffic

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jwv0922
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flacciduck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
β€œBe careful!” My friend told me. β€œPeople in the UK drive on the left side of the road”

Thanks to him I guess I’ll be all right

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raumerino
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DAFUQ404
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters while walking down the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaokyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road.

Social distancing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlienBran
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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