I always try to avoid cracks in the pavement
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coprywriter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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I saw a man collapse on the pavement and clutch his chest. He begged me to call him a doctor.

So I said: "You're a doctor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yokelwombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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If you drop 1000ml of rubbish on the pavement you're litreing
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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What’s it called when you get assaulted on pavement?

Getting Asphalted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floppyfish4488
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Passed a road sign that said "Uneven Pavement"

Looked to my wife and said, "That's odd."

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_drumstic_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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I dropped a gallon jug of liquid laundry detergent and it exploded as it hit the pavement

I said β€œthat’s the end of an Era.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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I saw a Hobo Spider on the pavement.

Cheeky little guy, he didn't even accept my Β£10 note.

Walked right over it, I can't stand that level of arrogance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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We saw a Cat sat on the pavement, cleaning itself

"I wish I could do that" says my Stepmum.

"Well, give it a biscuit and I'm sure it'll let you" says Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PippyRollingham
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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Life Pro Tip ~ Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer because…

You'll get quacks in the pavement!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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Math Conversions

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Credit to my economics professor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_kleco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23.
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wa

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Just got dropped back at uni...

Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.

Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.

He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrightSideOfMeth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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A joke from my dad today. I think it’s bad, but this is called dadjokes for a reason.

Why do we always get hurt when we fall down and hit the ground?

It’s payback for all the times we’ve hit the road, beaten the trail, and pounded the pavement.

(I thinks is is pretty bad, but dad’s saying that I could never make a joke when I tell him. Please prove him wrong.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xzirome
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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It's Snow Joke

I was shoveling the driveway with my dad and I asked him how close to the pavement we have to get, and he tells me that he's going to leave the bottom icy layer for the sun to finish clearing it. To which he adds, "and you're the son!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LamePunslinger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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