A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He shouts, β€œA beer please! And one for the road!”

πŸ‘︎ 524
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Big-Man-J
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the rapper that had a weird asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivytheblindhusky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman....

β€œCan I have a drink for me and one for the road”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says...

"One for me and one for the road"

πŸ‘︎ 861
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeetman76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a job busting up asphalt roads...

but I found the work degrading.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.

He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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When a construction worker farts dont blame him it's his asphalt
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Helpinghamburgers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was in court against another man who had trespassed on his property while freshly laid asphalt was drying, leaving a footprint.

For some reason, the judge was in favor of the trespasser.

The man slammed his hand down on the table. β€œBut I have concrete proof!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said

β€œTwo beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm

He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turtlegamer22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Not my fault, just my asphalt.
πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isingthedarkness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Things I learned: when asphalt became commonly used on roads, people got around more...

It paved the way!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, and one for the road."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JajaBeans58
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his own dumb asphalt...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface

It was his own asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
Two dogs were walking down an empty highway. One of them stopped and defecated in the middle of the road.

When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, β€œClean up that mess.”

The other dog sniffed the pile and said, β€œNope. That’s your asphalt!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
If plumbers have plumbers crack what do construction workers have?

Asphalt (My dads been telling this one since I was 12, never heard it anywhere else πŸ˜‚)

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterGriimm
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says...

"Pint please, and one for the road

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krystx57
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I'm not sure why the highway was arrested ...

... but I bet it was his own dumb asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
Longer, but worth the read
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegreg13567
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The plane I was on had a fairly hard landing...

Flight attendant gets on the intercom:

β€œThat was not the Captain’s fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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Butt how do you get get it in the first place?
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Why do they call a hemorrhoid a hemorrhoid?

Because asphalt was taken. (ass fault)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar and grill...

The bartender says, "hey."

The horse says, "neigh. But I'll take some Quick Oats for the road."

The asphalt in the corner says, "thanks."

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse trotted into a bar.

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I fell on the concrete yesterday....

.....and my asphalt realy sore after

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASeaBunny
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s it called when you get assaulted on pavement?

Getting Asphalted

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floppyfish4488
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Pilot comes on the intercom following a very bumpy landing

β€œSorry about that folks. Not my fault, it’s the asphalts”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananacat29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Flight attendant was a wise guy

"Sorry about the rough landing, it wasn't the captain's fault, it certainly wasn't my fault, it was the asphalt"

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shukhman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2015
🚨︎ report
If you don't have any concrete plans

it's your own asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironoxidey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Southwest stewardess just dropped this: "That landing wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the first captains fault...."

It was the asphalt".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BooBooDingDing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the concrete pourer refuse to apologize for his mistake?

It wasn't his asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclfusion4
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
🚨︎ report
That's not a fart.

<driving, everyone sniffing the air>

Daughter: "That's not my fault. I didn't fart."

Mom: "No, I think that's the road work over there."

Dad: "Yeah, that's asphalt and not your ass fault."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StoicJim
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
🚨︎ report
What's it called when your butt makes a mistake?

Asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Economy_Cactus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
🚨︎ report
I saw my chance and I took it! I like to think my Dad taught me well.

So I work asphalt maintenance (crackseal). Saturday I had a special note on the contract that said "Only do Major Cracks". Working at a Browning facility it made me think military. So at the end of the day I called up my boss and I just couldn't hold it back anymore. "Sorry, I didn't see Major Cracks, but There was a Colonel Mustard and a Captain Crunch, but I didn't do them as was requested".

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vyrot89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by my grandma

Traveling on the freeway when we hit some bumps in the road

Mom: Oh sorry about the bumps

Grandma: oh it's not your fault, it's asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
I Got My Son While Driving

My son and I were driving through a construction zone. The air contained the strong smell of the tar they were laying down.

I said, "You know how a tectonic fault is a big crack between two tectonic plates?"

"Yeah," he said, a quizzical look on his face.

"Does that make your butt-crack an asphalt?"

Groan, followed by a facepalm. :)

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daneelthesane
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
🚨︎ report
A am a pedicab operator and sometimes we hit potholes.

My new favorite line is "It's not my fault, it's the asphalt"

Stolen from Adam. He seems to get laughs. I'm like 30% and rising. Delivery is everything.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maadvocate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Whose Fault?

Asphalt!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geaux_Phish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm...

And says "A beer please and one for the road."

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zander-dupont
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman....

β€œCan I have a drink for me and one for the road”

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tpatt83
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Slab Of Asphalt Under His Arm

He Says, β€œA Beer Please And One For The Road”.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EatBrod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar witha slab or asphalt under his arm

He says one for me and one for the road

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saltator87
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for his fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkone2087
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…

But it was his dumb asphalt…

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.

But it was his dumb asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bakxr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…

But it was his dumb asphalt…

πŸ‘︎ 557
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his dumb asphalt...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his dumb asphalt...

πŸ‘︎ 167
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report

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