Why do the English say they're bri ish instead of british?

Because since the incident in Boston, they've learned to hide their t.

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👤︎ u/IbbeTheCat
📅︎ Mar 30 2020
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American English to British English

"No u"

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👤︎ u/danny688
📅︎ Nov 28 2019
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In a few months, British English will only have three vowels.

A.I.O. They would leave E U.

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📅︎ Sep 03 2018
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What allergy ridden English author wrote novels about a British spy?

Ian Phlegming

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📅︎ Feb 25 2018
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Why is it pronounced "Bri'ish" if you're from Britain?

Because they drank the 't'

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📅︎ May 03
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Damn!
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📅︎ Jan 08
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So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

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📅︎ Apr 04
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An in eresting title
👍︎ 10k
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📅︎ Apr 15 2020
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When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making...

She wondered what the bass salary is.

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📅︎ Dec 19 2019
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I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Nov 15 2018
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4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

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📅︎ Feb 13 2017
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A dog can't read an MRI.

But catscan.

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👤︎ u/FriskySour
📅︎ Mar 31 2017
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Conversation with my sons mate

Sons mate: I got 90% for my maths test today.

Me: That's great, what was it about?

Him: Volume

Me: What? I didn't catch that.

Him (slightly louder): Volume

Me: Sorry I couldn't hear you

Him (louder still): VOLUME!

I walk off chuckling to myself while he looks confused.

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📅︎ Apr 12 2016
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Girlfriend paid me a compliment.

GF: I like your forearms.

Me: I only have two.

I had to explain it, but then she slapped her forehead. I know, she only has one.

👍︎ 2k
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📅︎ Dec 04 2014
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How to pronounce 'scythe'

So last night at dinner, I was discussing with my brother the pronunciation of the letter 'y' in the word 'scythe.' Me: "It's pronounced scythe!" (Sounds like eye) Brother: "No, it's scythe!" (Like sith) Me: "Mom, as an English major how is it pronounced?" Dad: "I don't think the British know that much about Star Wars." Me: "Mother, why did you marry him?"

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📅︎ Mar 09 2015
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