What would you call a mortician near an intersection?

A street coroner!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L337Cthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
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The city council wanted to install a new traffic light at the busy intersection

They just needed the mayor to green light the project

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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As a traffic planner I was asked how and where I intended to improve flow through intersections. I pointed on the map and said,

"Roundabout here."

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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Firetruck plowing through an intersection xpost /r/unexpected
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellABunk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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Why do intersections have two pairs of two traffic lights?

Because they are fourwarnings

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πŸ‘€︎ u/falloonalan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2016
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While waiting to turn at an intersection

>Dad: Are you a float? > >Mom: Why? > >Dad: Because you have a parade of cars waiting for you to turn!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DHouse7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2013
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My dad isn’t usually one full of dad jokes, but he hit me with a great one today.

For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but he’s been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said β€œIt’s at the intersection, where the IHOP is.”

Dad replied, β€œOh, that’s my favorite place to get breakfast.”

I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. 😐

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kalleh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I am amazed by intersecting lines

They are truly without parallel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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How do you divide a roundabout?

Intersections

Edit: for non-native speakers, roundabout is a traffic circle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/old_man_browsing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I bought a new shirt today that has the word LIFE printed across the chest

Tomorrow, I’m going to wear it and stand on the corner at an intersection where panhandlers usually are. My plan is to hand out lemons to stopped drivers. When life gives you lemons ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forko23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Told this tasteless dad joke to my daughter yesterday.

Helping my daughter with her remote-learning geometry schoolwork.

"Ok dad, imagine you are in a room with a ceiling and four walls. How many planes intersect the floor?"

"Well if that room was is in the Twin Towers, two."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CiDirkona
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Life’s a beach
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quivant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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I prefer a bugs life anyway
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayshenny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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With all the cold weather we're having this March, I'm happy that ...

https://i.imgur.com/9L4InP9.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boostedit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Was on a date, made the joke, no regrets

We were walking down the street and I saw the upcoming intersection was "Fairwell Ave."

When we reached the crosswalk, I said I should head home, and then followed up with, "I guess this is farewell."

Eyes rolled but it was worth it.

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
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Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JRBX
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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Driving with my family in a rural area...

...we stopped an an intersection. A big rig fully laden with hay bales approached from opposite direction. The driver made eye contact with me so I waved and yelled, "Hey!"

The kids tried to melt into their seats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NativeSonSF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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A friend saw my stomach one day, and told me I had a very hairy midsection

I told him if that's what he thought, he should really take a look at the intersection

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catatonicpotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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I bought a new car that tells jokes, but I wrecked it

What happened was, we were crossing an intersection and the car said, "Stop me if you've heard this one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tylerjfrancke
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Near death experience

So I was driving to work the other day and as I stopped at 3 way intersection (stop sign) by my house I paused to grab the apple out of my lunch because I was hungry. The moment I after I took my first bite and was about to turn, a construction truck blew the stop sign and almost took out the front of my car. After the excitement left I couldn't help but think to myself, "an apple a day really does keep the doctor away." And took another bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumborkdrive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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I've never known if my Dad was being a troll, or a Dad

I was driving with my permit and my Dad was in the passenger seat. He is notoriously good with directions (and at the time I was unfamiliar with our whereabouts), we are approaching a dead end stop sign (I can only turn left or right). I proceed to ask my dad about 30 yards away from the intersection if it was faster to go left or right (to our destination) he simply replies "yes."

Anytime I bring it up now he just chuckles and changes the subject.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TooMuchJokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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Well, that was morbid...

My wife and I were coming home from the grocery store when we passed a funeral procession coming from the opposite direction. The hearse was just hit by another car at the intersection, to which I said, "Boy, talk about DOA!"

Groans were had and I'll be resuming my shuttling duties shortly, ferrying souls to hell with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/defguysezhuh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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The Legend of Phillip Turr

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CastYourBread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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A classic joke my dad tells

My dad is a truck driver. This story gets everyone he's ever told it to: Dad: "So I'm driving through Detroit at about 3-4am to start my route. As you know, most of the inner city roads are crap, and are polluted with potholes. Suddenly I see an ambulance in my mirror going full speed with its lights on. I immediately pull off to the side of the road to let it pass. This is where it gets crazy... The ambulance drives through the intersection bouncing through potholes and as it does, the back door flies open and a cooler pops out, but the ambulance keeps going like nothing happened. Well I was the only one around at that time of the night so I immediately stopped to grab the cooler. I bring it into my cab and it has a hazmat sticker on it but the seal is broken. So I decided to open it up and see what was inside. It was a human toe!" Me: "Holy shit! What did you do!?" Dad: "I called the toe truck"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rylon2008
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
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Got my girlfriend in the car

She was the navigator on this road trip Gf: theres an intersection where you need to bear left. Me: shouldnt i go right to avoid the bear?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacticappiello
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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Calc professor gets it

My calc professor of 300+ students is going over lines in 3D space. He asks the class what it is called when two lines don't intersect but aren't parallel. A guy a few rows in front of me confidently says "skew" out loud. The professor looks at him and says "bless you". The class giggled a bit and he laughed for like a minute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Fox_Hat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Dad doesn't crack many of them. Lol

We were on our way home from the store and we came up to an intersection and stopped. I was looking around and he says "Hey look, they're selling Huges!" I looked around and asked him what he was talking about as he proceeded to poing to a store with a big sign that said, "HUGE SALE!". Groans were made.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jumojumo2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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Frank Gilbreth Sr.

Father of 12 and inspiration for the books and films Cheaper by The Dozen, Frank Gilbreth reportedly had this exchange when pulling up to an intersection with his car load of kids:

person: hey buddy, what are you doing with all those kids, building an ark?

Frank: Just doing what the good lord told me. All I need now is a jackass! HOP IN!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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