What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Drives by railroad crossing: a train came through here not to long ago. It’s tracks are still here
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/420rubberducky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks.

Look son, a train has gone by here recently. Son,How can you possibly know that dad? Dad... Look there...you can see it's tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
So the football stadium at my university is located across the railroad tracks from a very old cemetery...

My family comes up to visit and see the campus and as we drive down the road between the stadium and the cemetery I mentioned to them how hard it is to get tickets this year. Pointing in the direction of the cemetery, my dad proceeds to say "oh I bet they're just dying to get in!"

Groans all around.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OutgoingBuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
🚨︎ report
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while walking the dogs.

We were out on a stroll with our dogs when we came up to a railroad crossing:

Me: kneeling down examining the ground "A train must have come through here..."

Wife:"How can you tell?"

Me:smirking "It left its tracks right here!"

Wife:continues walking, leaving me behind

Edit:Grammar, guh...

πŸ‘︎ 464
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TinBritches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
🚨︎ report
A train just came by

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Murica1776PewPew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad got me with this solid dad joke the other day.

While walking down the street, we came to a railroad crossing.

Dad: Do you know how I can tell that the train just came through?

Me: How?

Dad: It left its tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nd2819
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
🚨︎ report
3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Railroad Tracks

Every time we pass over a set of railroad tracks.

D: "Did you know the train just came by?"

"No, how do you know?"

D: "Well, it had to have come by. It left its tracks."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehsnake
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A train just went by here, wanna know how I know?

It left its tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JLECVICTORY
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.