This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
When registering for college classes, pick ones taught by heterosexual Canadians whenever possible.
They always give straight "eh"s.
originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
I got assaulted by a group of mimes.
It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.
I recently placed a bid for a rifle used in the war by a French officer.
It was in good shape having only been dropped twice in surrender.
I just got stabbed by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9
The odds were against me!
If you're ever attacked by a horde of clowns...
It's a bit embarrassing to admit on here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street Mimes..
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Today's label making craft was inspired by the OG spicy boi himself, Bruce Willis.
What pronouns did Michael Jackson go by?
My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens
but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
I once got beaten up by a photographer
What do you call a droid that got sprayed by a skunk?
My friends daily morning torture, as delivered by yours truly
Amtrak employees are more like to be struck by lightning than any other profession.
Because they are good conductors
When you're down, by the sea, and an eel bites your knee...
today there was an artist found dead by the police
the details are a little sketchy
What do you call a crime, committed by a fruit?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
Mate died today by falling into a vat of coffee!
My dad was driving, when we were passing by a graveyard he said:
-hey. Do you know that the poeple who lives in this city, arent allowed to be buried here?
-no. Why?
-because they are still alive
My house is haunted by a muscular ghost. I finally managed to communicate him him. I asked him how he got so muscular.
My broken down car is haunted by the ghost of a mechanic...
He told me he really wants a pay rise but his supervisor can't review his performance without a working car-boo-rator.
crosspost from r/dankmemes by u/_hismomoness
A beach uncluttered by man-made constructions is truly without pier.
My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and checking my social media every hour
I saw it through my telescope last night
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
People were creeped out by the backwards version of Fur Elise coming out of Beethoven's grave
Turns out he was just decomposing.
I got struck by lightning.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
LPT: If you see someone about to be attacked by a duck, don’t try to warn them.
It only makes things worse.
When I was younger I had to work in a cheap pizza shop to get by.
Sorry to hear your dad was hit by a boat in Venice.
Please accept my Gondolances.
I had a glass statue of Captain Kirk. My dog ran by and knocked it over and it broke.
I just finished "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens.
It wasn't as good as I'd hoped.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
"Morel Support" by Harebrained
Don’t by anything made with Velcro.
I made this pun and I got 23 downvotes before it was taken down by the mods. It was totally worth it lmfao
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese
The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"
The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
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