This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
What pronouns did Michael Jackson go by?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I got struck by lightning.
You know that it's always the boys raised by single moms that end up with Dad Bods.
They always wanted a father figure.
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700's...
..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors....
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
I got rear-ended by a rental car today
Yesterday I got hit by a can.
Thank god! Nothing happened because it was a soft drink.
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. That’s the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.
Her first name is Eileen.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out
Did you know that Olive branch is a symbol of peace. People were using olive branch during the history to declare truce by giving it to their enemies
If you are wondering how I know this, it's because olive random trivia
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.
I had a dream where I was chased by a massive pair of shoes.
Catching up to me was no small feet.
Did you hear about the band that got cancelled by PETA for their album art featuring trees made of flesh?
They caught a lot of meatwood flack
Was flattered by a bench at a hot dog restaurant.
Who decided to shorten this years Pi Day by an hour?
This was a very irrational decision
"The Road you've taken has been paved by your own decisions"
I heard that Tiger Wood's car accident was caused by a problem with his tires...
I just saw an announcement on TV. Seems there’s a fortune teller that happens to be a dwarf, wanted by the FBI
To sum it up, there’s a small medium at large.
A soldier in WW2 was shot in the chest and the bullet was stopped by a stack of quarters in his pocket.
He said it was his life savings.
I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
I payed my $2 and the guy says “Once upon a time there was this lobster.”
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,
along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.
Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.
What is written by the exit to the sperm bank?
I feel like it’s made worse by the fact that it’s an Undertale remix
Did you hear about the Frenchman at the hat shop who kept getting yelled at by his boss?
He got tired of being beret-ted all of the time.
I used to play the piano by ear...
But now I just use my hands.
Did you hear about the guy that lost a fight by getting kicked in the mouth?
He now knows the taste of defeet
What blade lives by the water?
A man had his car stolen by a thief in Mexico. When he went to the police...
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What do you call a guy who just got a leg bitten off by a lion?
Why do seagulls fly by the sea?
Because if they flew by the bay, they’d be bagels.
Do you know why Quentin Tarantino likes to travel by plane so much ?
It takes lots of feet to do it.
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...
Did you know that dogs communicate with each other by marking their territory?
So when they sniff and mark the same places everyday, they are just checking and responding to their pee-mail.
Did you hear about the pregnant woman bit by a shark?
What do you call a plant that’s been mutated by nuclear radiation?
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He orders a drink, and asks for the check.
Duck billed platypus.
Edit: Thanks guys.
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