My English book has puns. Wow.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
The inventor of the Velcro has died.
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it!
In the M section, right after mist.
Thanks HAI
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
Interesting fact, Bruce Lee has a vegan brother
What Rock Group has four men that don't sing?
The Covid19 situation has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear social distancing measures will push someone over the edge.
Because of his enormous debt, Old McDonald has to sell his farm.
To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
Gravity Falls has the best puns
Downloaded film Titanic for the family to watch this evening. Annoyingly Video and Sound has come across in separate files.
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill
If your dog shakes hands with your enemy, has he committed a foe paw?
William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie.
Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.
Have you heard, the sequel to 2020 has has been postponed?
2022 won’t be arriving for at least a year.
A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
Rumor has it that I’ve been sentenced to the gallows.
Please collect me if I’m wrung.
You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
John Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruit only diet...
Which animal has the biggest breasts
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
The flat earth society has members all around the globe.
Did you know Hannibal Lecter has a brother who’s even more evil and sadistic?
His name is Bilka... Bilka Lecter.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars.
The police is working tirelessly to catch him.
What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it
The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
Whatsapp has changed its feature previously known as ‘marked as read’
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)
What do you call it when someone bellow the age of 18 has a problem
Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.
Its called Shatner Knickers.
What has 4 wheels and flies ?
Has anyone been to Engagement, Ohio ?
It's a little place between Dayton and Marion.
I guess you can see he has a lot of horsepower
What fish has two sodium atoms?
Did you know Bruce Lee has a vegan brother?
A man has been stealing wheels off police cars
The police are working tirelessly to catch him
Breaking news: Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
“It’s a little fit bunny.”
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
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