My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
If you're going to take up Cross Country skiing...
It's best to start with a small Country.
The Police Showed Up When My Son Refused to Take a Nap
They charged him with resisting a rest.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
My wife takes away my inhaler whenever I act up
To this day, she still takes my breath away
A buddy of mine has a new hobby where he dresses up salmon in tiny outfits and takes pictures of them.
He says its like shooting fish in apparel.
My girlfriend and I broke up at summer camp. We got into an argument over which canoe to get take.
She got in one and I the other. Then we just drifted apart.
Graveyards take up so much real estate, it’s crazy!
No worries, cemeteries are a dying industry.
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...
On a post about a washed up whale. This person SEAS the opportunity and they take it!
I was with my son in the sandbox and he said, “take this shovel and start filling up this bucket, got it?”
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family...
...he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
When I was 10 my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That was when I realized he was her
favorite twin, not me.
Bob takes a stroll while talking about an old shoot 'em up
Yeah, he's a walking Contra-diction.
Alternative for the logic nerds:
Bob is always honest, and he says he doesn't like shoot 'em ups. His identical twin Joe says he loves shoot 'em ups. How do we know Joe is honest? Because if something is true, then so is its Contra-positive.
My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked “really?”. To which he replied:
Takes a lot of balls to put up this kind of display
https://i.imgur.com/XSiYicg.jpg
If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...
You may be having an exit-stencil crisis.
It took me 5 minutes to come up with this joke but it takes 35 minutes for someone else to come up with this joke
The difference is reposting
My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."
I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
If you're looking for a new job, don't take up archaeology
Your career will be in ruins
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...
It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?
The astrophysics class I was planning to take filled up before I could sign up. Now I have to take something else.
I was feeling really bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing as a hobby.
My neighbors are threatening to call the cops if I don’t stop.
After struggling to take my wife’s bra off for 20 minutes, I finally decided to give up.
I’m now really regretting having put it on.
Why did the dolphin take up Buddhism?
Because he was searching for a higher porpoise!
Me: I hate having to jack up my car because there's no central place to put the jack so it takes twice as long.
My Dad: (without missing a beat) Man, that's jacked up...see what I did there?
I had to hoof it back up a few blocks to take this picture.
I've always wanted to take up juggling but,
I signed up to take a tour of all the shopping centers in my area, but it was really disappointing
Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
Every year we line up and take turns giving Johnny birthday punches
How much volume does a person have to take up to be cute?
So this guy walks up to a homeless girl and says she’s really beautiful and asks if he can take her home.
She seemed really excited until he picked up her box and walked away.
My friend with anger issues decided to take up golf to calm his nerves...
He became teed off when he teed off into the trees...
So I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said "how flexible are you?"
I said "I can't do Tuesdays"
Broke my arm and ended up in hospital. The doctor told me she would have to take a urine sample.
I asked her if she was taking the piss
A man was downsized from his job for the third time in 2 years so he decided to take up horse breeding.
He heard it was a stable job.
I thought I could take on my dad with a joke. He showed me up.
Dad: "I pulled a leg muscle today and its killing me!"
Me: "If its killing you, call the cops. They'll arrest it for you"
Dad: "I'll be ahhh resting my leg tonight"
Never have I hung my head in defeat more than today.
It takes forever for the elevator in the new theme park to go up a floor.
Guess that's why they call it the neverending story.
my wife looked up a recipe for an Israeli salad to take to her mom’s
I told her i heard that salad Israeli good
If my wife sets up a dad joke, I am going to take it!
We were at an antique tractor show at a farm museum (Yes, we live in Maine) and my wife looks over at a table with 2 woman judging the tractor pull.
"That woman in the pink shirt works at the Walmart pharmacy."
So I follow up with
"Well, I guess she has a thing for FARMS."
Wife gave me a look of "Well yeah..." followed by disgust once she realized I meant Farms and Pharms.
We should take all the 'talked-up' NFL teams that didn't make the Superbowl...
...and send them to the Hyperbole.
Next time I take my daughter to get yearly check up, I'm keeping my mouth shut
As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks "are you here for an appointment?" I replied without hesitation & confusion "umm, no my daughter is". The blank stare was enough.
How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
I wanted to take up juggling as my hobby.
But i didn't have the balls to do it.
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